Does anyone like shower sex? I guess dudes probably do, and it’s a great idea in theory. It’s all steamy (well, the parts that aren’t ice-cold shower tile, or the parts that aren’t your naked self getting no water) and wet and warm. It should work, right? But it doesn’t!
I remember the first time I ever had sex in the shower. I was spending the weekend at my high school boyfriend’s house and we decided it was time for us to try it out. We’d already tried to have sex in his hot tub, which made me barf out in the snow, and in his pool, which gave us both unpleasant chlorine itchies down below. It wasn’t anything close to successful, but we were 17 and we were hopeful.
Spoiler alert: The kissing was cool and sexy when it was all slippery, and there’s something really fun about being naked in such a small, hot space with someone you wanna bone, but the rest of it was a big, fat disappointment. As is most teenage sex, I guess. I still have nightmares about the hot tub situation.
In the years since then, I’ve had sex in the shower a few times. Usually, I offer it up as a solution when I’m horny as hell but bleeding profusely from my vagina. I know that most dudes don’t care about period sex and that you can just put a towel down, but I do care about my expensive comforter and fancy white sheets! I live in a building with crappy communal laundry, OK?
What dudes don’t realize about having sex in the water is that it does the opposite of what they think it’s gonna do. It dries out all that lovely natural lubrication, making shower sex really uncomfortable and occasionally painful for chicks whose pussies aren’t able to produce a whole lot of au naturale lube anyway. (Thanks a lot, birth control pills.) And don’t you even think of getting soap down there to “make it more slippery,” sir. Do you even know what a pH balance is?!?!
The best time I had sex in the shower was when I didn’t have sex in the shower. I popped over to visit my fuckboy of the week when he was scrubbing off his yoga teacher sweat and stripped down to a little black lace teddy from Frederick’s with a pleasingly low neckline and flattering silhouette. And I wore it into the shower, where dude popped a gigantic boner before feeling me up and eventually ripping the damn thing in half. (Well, it was only $15.) Getting all hot and wet in the shower is fab foreplay, but it should stop before actual penetration. Watch me soap up my tits with fancy scented body washes in a variety of aromas (your choice!), then slather me in lotion and then carry my wet self to your bed, where I’m more than happy to receive a good dicking. Or, you know, just prop me on the sink. That works too.
The folks at KY realized this and released a shower sex-friendly lube, which is a truly incredible testament to the power of technology. I haven’t had the opportunity to test it out yet as my apartment building’s hot water heater seems to be as moody as I am when I’m PMSing, but I have high hopes. I wanna slick my pussy up and get it on in the shower just like the rest of you, OK?