Am I Carrie Bradshaw? LOL, no, but sometimes in my deepest, darkest moments I think that maybe I am. I’m a blonde, I have curly hair and I write about my sex life. Although Carrie wrote more about her friend’s sex lives than her own, so … I mean, Carrie had sex in her bra. Weeeeeirdo.
Since I do write about sex fairly regularly as a means to pay my rent and buy fancy lingerie, I get a lot of questions on the down low from my friends. Some of them are pretty simple, but often it’s the simplest questions that are the hardest to ask. So here are a few of their most recent Qs and my oh-so-educated (ha) answers, just in case you’re suffering with the same situations. Enjoy!
I can’t get myself off. Help!
Oh girl, yikes. If you can’t get yourself off first, how’s anyone gonna do it for you? Did you not discover the power of Jacuzzi jets when you were a kid? (Just me? OK.)
Now, I totally know how hard it is to get out of your own head and focus on feeling good. Everyone’s so subscribed to busy culture that we can’t just chill out without having a phone in our hand, Netflix on and Snapchat to capture every minute. So if you’re going to experiment with your own orgasms, put the distractions away. Leave your devices in another room and shut the damn door. Don’t try to force anything, because stressing yourself out does not equal orgasms. If you’re not feelin’ it, you’re not feelin’ it. But if you are, let your brain relax and focus on what your hands (or a toy) is doing to your lower regions.
Everyone has a different style and what’s super-stimulating for me might not work for you, so you gotta mix it up and try new shit. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you think you need a little outside help, go visit your local indie sex shop (not a giant emporium, where you won’t get any customer service) and ask a sales associate for a few beginner’s toys. I promise you won’t get addicted to them! Just trust in your body and respond to it. That’s really basic info, I know, but that’s how it works.
What is a no-fail way to turn my dude on?
I wish I had a cute, quippy answer for this one, but guess what? I don’t, because there’s no firm answer. Some dudes are turned on by your nasty old PINK sweatpants. Some dudes are turned on by watching you eat. You can never really tell, so you need to ask, or watch how he reacts to different things. Most dudes do like black lingerie, if that helps you to get started. The longer you bone, the more you’ll learn about all of his kinks and fantasies. You’ll never know until you try.
How do I tell my dude that I want him to (fill in the blank)?
So you think it would be super sexy if your dude wore your lacy panties to work, or tied you up, or called you names in bed? Awesome. You know how you have a mouth, and you use it to speak, and sometimes to kiss and/or suck dicks? Use that very same mouth to TELL HIM what you want. You can even suggest it sexily while you’re laying in his bed in his favorite T-shirt, like, “Hey babe? You know what would be super hot for me? If you did ____.” Bite your lip a little, bat your eyes and maybe brush your fingers softly down his chest and he’s gonna do what you want.
What’s your favorite thing to sext?
Lately I’m a big fan of “Tie me up and tell me what a dirty slut I am,” but that’s just me.
How do you establish boundaries?
My dude wants to go all Christian Grey on me and I’m like … a little freaked out. I had an S&M-y relationship a few years ago, and before you start playing around with whips and chains, you need to have a sit down conversation about your limits. If you don’t want fingers or dildos in your butt, you better let the other party know. If you want to have a safe word, you can, or you can just say “No.” Everyone has a place that they’re not cool with going, so communicate what yours is before you do anything. Also, don’t be afraid to try something new. If you trust your sex partner, it might be kinda fun.
What are your favorite kinds of lube?
I’m a firm believer that every chick and dude should have a bottle of lube in their bedside table. And it shouldn’t be the nasty, gloppy KY I used in high school to speed along the loss of my virginity and the pain of getting my hymen busted. (Was it busted? Maybe it had been busted previously in cheerleading or something. I’ll never know.) I like good ol’ Astroglide for basic sexing, and coconut oil for when I’m trying to be vegan. Simple, cheap, easy and doesn’t fuck up my sheets too badly.
My sex life is boring. What do I do?
Has your relationship become more comfortable than passionate? It happens. Get out of your comfort zone! Go on a weekend trip, just the two of you, or try to make shit happen outside your bedroom. If you’re bored, you need to find a nice way to tell your partner. Don’t just yell, “I’M BORED” at them, because that never ends well. Talk about it, and try to bring back the element of surprise that you had when you first started boning. The honeymoon doesn’t last forever, but
How do I learn how to squirt?
I can’t help you there, because I’ve never done it, but I know that with the right amount of pressure and some grit and dedication, you can hit that magic spot and voila! Lady spray everywhere. (Sorry.)
WTF is this discharge in my favorite black panties?
Discharge is normal, but if it’s starting to freak you out due to color or smell, you need to get to your gyno ASAP. You do have a trusted lady doctor, right?
Is my (Fill in the Blank) fantasy weird?
No! Your various fantasies aren’t weird. If you’re into watching lesbian porn as a straight girl, or want to call your BF “daddy” or want to think about the dude in the coffee shop sucking on your toes while you’re getting boned by someone else, that isn’t weird! It’s normal! It’s human. If thinking about something a little weird gets you off, then embrace it, because orgasms are the greatest thing God ever gave us.