Does Anyone Have Phone Sex Anymore?

Dino Kužnik
Dino Kužnik

Is phone sex a dying art, much like landlines themselves, or answering machines, or fax machines?

I mean, I know that phone sex operators still exist, that you can call 1-800-HOT-SLUT or something and some girl like me, probably in her slobby pajamas making nachos, will answer the phone in a Russian accent or pretend to be a horny teenager for the low, low price of $2.99 per minute. If you ask me, this is a very valid career choice, especially for the bored and lazy.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never had phone sex. I came of age in the era of the hard-case Motorola flip phone, which had texting capabilities (hello, 2005!) that we never used because we got charged for it. Sure, we might’ve fooled around via AIM and MSN Messenger with our high school boyfriends, but for the most part, we were actually hiding out in basements learning how sex worked. And when I got to college, well, everyone just texted, and that’s how it’s been ever since.

Now we can text out our fantasies out via iMessage, or simply discuss coordinates to meet up and fuck at. We can take our clothes off via Skype. (What do you DO when you have Skype sex? Finger yourself? Fuck a dildo? I’ve never done it.) We can FaceTime or send dick videos. The possibilities are fucking endless, and the good ol’ phone call has been thrown off the truck in favor of someone new and prettier and more fun. I know the feeling, phone.

But then again, there’s something inherently hilarious about phone sex. I was just watching the episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda gets into it with a long-distance guy and is actually getting off as they talk about where his dick is. Dude literally says, “I’m thrusting! I’m thrusting!” to her. Is that sexy? I don’t think I could do it.

A dude would be like, “What are you wearing?” and I’d start laughing right away. And just hearing a dude say the word “nipples” when he isn’t mere inches from my actual nipples doesn’t turn me on, it just sounds silly. I don’t think I’d be able to say the necessary things to get a dude off over the phone. Like, how do I know you’re jerking it? What if you’re playing video games? I’m into dirty talk in the moment and I’m really good at it, but who knows who’s listening to our cell phone lines. Probably aliens. Horny ones.

Some of my slightly-older dude friends have had phone sex since they always get entangled in long-distance relationships and it just comes more natural to them. Maybe our millennial tendency to bury ourselves in Twitter and Instagram and incessant scrolling makes it difficult; we’d rather do it via text, just as we’d rather make plans, pay bills and hang out with our friends via text.

I’d be lying to your faces if I said I didn’t love a long afternoon of sexting with this guy or that one. It makes midday meetings so much more fun when someone is telling me, in great and dirty detail, all the different ways they’re going to fuck me when they see me next. I like to get a dude so hard when he’s at work that has to text me that he can’t stand up to help a customer til his boner dies down. That’s hot. And I’m the queen of the boob selfies, but that’s a story for another time.

What’ll be the new sexting? There will be something new, that’s for sure. Technology is changing so fast that there’s no way the masses will be satisfied with this forever.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna send a dude a picture of me naked with a LaCroix can. I’ll show him my new Brazilian, but call him? HELL no. TC mark

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