So, I’ve been kind of slutty lately. A bust up of a recent relationship led me to drunkenly download Tinder and send out the signal that yep, I’m single again, so come and get it, boys. Spring has sprung and so should your dick in your pants. (My hilarity makes me irresistible, I know.)
I’ve had Sunday booty calls at 8 AM, Monday afternoon lunch break sex … and oh! A bunch of sex in one night. Like, five times with barely a break. It sounds like a lot (and it was), but my ex-boyfriend only lasted like five minutes at a time, so this was refreshing. A girl can rarely get off in five minutes. These dudes were both surprisingly awesome, too, so I can’t say I mind too much. (It would’ve been The Worst if they were like those dudes who just go BAM! BAM! BAM! with crazy fast thrusts. Like, you’re how old? Quit fucking like you’re 14.)
But two different dudes in two days can do a number on a girl. I’m kind of sore and a little raw – I wasn’t expecting to get fucked five times in less than 12 hours, so I didn’t have any lube on hand and spit can only go so far. Yes, please unzip my work dress while I’m getting ready and bend me over the bed – please do that. That’s sexy. But also … please don’t put my vagina in peril.
This means I need to spend a little time giving my greatest resource – my vag – some serious TLC. How? It’s easy. You deserve it.
- Take a break. Don’t have sex for 24 hours. Just don’t. Let your vagina take a little vacation from getting dick every day. Tell your significant other that you need some Me Time.
- Take a bath. Relaxxx in a bath with a big ole glass of red wine and some bubbles and bath oils that you already know won’t make your vagina all irritated and itchy. (Does anyone else have traumatic memories of UTIs from Mr. Bubble as a kid? Just me? Bullshit.) Put a box of wine on the ledge. Watch the “Housewives.” Thank your vagina silently – or aloud, like a mantra.
- Drink some kefir. Sometimes, I make “vagina smoothies” to remind my reproductive organs that I love them and care for their health. It’s a variation on a green smoothie, with added pure cranberry juice (UTI prevention) and kefir (yeast infection prevention/balance). Kefir is fucking delicious, especially if you, like me, suddenly developed an aversion to yogurt. You can even pretend kefir is dessert.
- Sleep with no panties on. Let your bits breathe. If you must sleep with panties on, go full cotton granny panty style. NO THONGS. I love a good thong but they aren’t the healthiest choice. Some bros really like a high-waisted old-school white granny panty, FYI.
- Make him go down on you. I mean, sex rules, but 65% of the time I’m like, can you just go down on me instead? Please make this soreness up to me … with your tongue.
- Buy lube in advance. I don’t know why I don’t have this in my nightstand right now. That’s really dumb, and I need to visit my Friendly Neighborhood Sex-Positive Sex Shop to get some immediately. (But if I get it, will my sex prospects dry up?) Have this shit on hand at all times, and then you won’t suffer. More sex for everyone!