You wake up in a cold sweat at 1am crying because of a dream about them. You dreamt they were with someone else; a graphic dream of them with another, more beautiful someone. As you try to calm yourself down, you tell yourself this is just a dream. Through the words of reassurance you know that your only telling yourself lies.
They do not love you and you feel it with every breath you take in. You feel the heaviness in your chest, knowing deep down that the way you love will never be reciprocated. You put your heart and soul on the line only to be rejected, time and time again. Wearing your heart on your sleeve becomes a default, not a sporadic thing. When someone claims to love you, but doesn’t, you start to notice patterns of disrespect. They kissed another person? They were just drunk. They ditched your dinner plans to sit around with the guys? They just needed time with their friends. You make excuses for the people you love, when in reality, you should just realize these actions are telling you that their words are a lie. But you don’t. You refuse to believe that they don’t love you because you cannot fathom that your relationship is a lie.
It all started in the midst of my relationship. I found myself putting in the effort constantly. I would skip going out with my friends just to sit in his apartment and watch him play video games with his friends. Just to be in his presence. I would give up my own comfortable apartment to sleep in his rock-hard bed. Just to feel his body on mine while we slept. I would bring him lunch when he was hungry, even if I didn’t have time. I would stay up late helping him with his schoolwork even though I had two exams the next day. I put him before me and these actions were never reciprocated.
This led me to lots of anxieties regarding our relationship. I knew deep down that he didn’t love me the same way. Someone that loves you does selfless things. This was completely one-sided in my relationship. He wouldn’t answer my text; I’d send him three more. This was not me. I had always been a confident type-A personality. I had always been very independent and fine on my own. I watched this part of me dwindle during our relationship.
When you know someone doesn’t love you the same way you love them you lose a part of yourself. You lose the joy of finding small things to make yourself happy. I lost the ability to see the beauty of a sunny day when I was with someone that didn’t see the beauty of my positive radiance.
It doesn’t make you love them any less, no matter how hard you try. It hurts me every morning and every night to know that the one person that knows my soul better than anyone does not feel the burning desire and passion to be with me as I feel for him. Yet the intensity of the chase and the roller coaster ride of emotions keep me hooked. You get addicted to the drama. The constant touch and go of emotions is the most beautiful and painful thing you ever experience.
Loving someone that doesn’t love you back is the most exquisite torture.