This Is What I Need You To Understand About Why I Left

Anastasia Vârlan
Anastasia Vârlan

I know what you’re thinking- that I left without a word because I am cowardly and too sensitive and too immature. I know that you think I take things too seriously and that I’m too aggressive.

And maybe all of that is true. Maybe you’re not wrong.

But this is what I need you to understand;

I left because if I stayed, I would’ve never been able to look at myself in the mirror and be content. Because all I ever wanted was to be more and more for you. I wanted to change myself completely so that I could fit the person I thought you wanted me to be.

I left because I would stay awake until five in the morning just to hear from you for two seconds. I left because those two seconds helped me survive a whole week of silence. Because I knew better than to let someone’s actions define me. I left because I was exhausted from always running back into your arms once I could feel you showing any kind of interest again.

I left because I read too much into your minuscule actions.
Because a social media interaction was enough to reassure me and at the same time, the lack thereof had the power to destroy me.

I left because I always found myself defending the way you treated me or attempting to see potential in you that wasn’t there.
I left because the person I was staring at in front of me was nothing like the person I first met. I left because I needed to stop pretending that this wasn’t something that had been draining me out and tearing me down and changing the shape of my soul.

I left because I know that “emotionally unavailable” never means what we say it does.
Because we all know “emotionally unavailable” doesn’t mean “I’m not ready right now” but instead “You’re not what I need.”

And I may be a little broken and a little vulnerable right now, but I’m not sorry for walking away from someone that held me close and then pushed me away in a matter of seconds, from someone who I always seemed to watch out for but never seemed to watch out for me, from someone that was so clearly toxic that I could barely see what it was doing, from someone who spoke about the future but never really saw one with me.

This is what I need you to understand: I left knowing that a piece of my soul had to be repaired on its own. I left knowing that if I didn’t, I’d be unhappy and I’d be actively pushing myself into a direction I knew wasn’t right for me. I left knowing that doing so would make me stronger.

I left because I would’ve let you destroy all the best parts of me.

I left because even if I didn’t, I know you already have. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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