Ten Fictional Characters I Wish I Could Date

As a 22-year-old Greenwich Village student, you’d think finding a boyfriend would be easy. After four years of bar-hopping, coffee shops, art galleries, walks in central park, and attending college, you’d think that I would have found someone who makes the never-ending work day worthwhile. Wrong. The only thing I come home to is my full size bed adorned with red and black fluffy pillows and stacks of romance novels like Twilight and Wuthering Heights piled up right next to my laptop, with Netflix open and ready to play the next Romantic Comedy featuring a Strong Female Lead.

1.  Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. He’s the only guy with red hair that’s been able to turn me on. I don’t need a hero like Harry. The sidekick always has more issues. More issues equals more mind games. And who doesn’t love those?

2.  Eric Northman from True Blood. Well, if you’ve ever watched an episode of the show, you’d have seen him naked, and there’s really no further explanation. And he’s a vampire, which also needs no further explanation. Hurry up, June. I just know season 5 will bring a lot more naked Eric.

3.  Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. He was drunk every minute of consciousness and still managed to be the best fullback on the football team. He and my ex-boyfriend have three major similarities: Long, messy locks, few words to say, and a felony on their permanent record.

4.  Jim Halpert, from The Office. He has the best sense of humor and even when he was dating someone way hotter than Pam, he still couldn’t get over her. And by the seventh season, she even convinced him to totally settle down with a house and a baby. Every guy I go out with runs at the mention of a third date.

5.  Dexter Morgan from Dexter. Because why would I not want to date a serial killer?

6. Dallas Winston from The Outsiders. He used to be in a gang and has violent tendencies, which means he’s probably amazing in bed (see number 3 for ex-boyfriend references).

7.  Macbeth from Macbeth. He’s not a pussy like Romeo and he is way more stable than Hamlet. And Lady Macbeth runs the show in that castle. It’d be nice to be in charge for once.

8. Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye. Who doesn’t want to save a lost soul? He’s full of teen angst, hates most other human beings (besides his little sister, which makes him sensitive) and he’s vulnerable. It’s all very endearing.

9. The Underground Man from Notes From the Underground. He hates the world, everybody in it, and is the only person I know that’s more cynical than I am. The after sex conversations would blow my mind. Or he might just ask me to leave, sort of like the last guy I slept with. That’s probably why it was a one night stand.

10. Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life. Hello! Long hair, leather jacket, popular, rebellious, and on the brink of being expelled. And he writes songs that reveals his emotional capacity. So what if he can’t read that well? It’s not like the things I’d want to do with him involve books anyway. TC mark

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  • simón

    Maybe if you stopped reading Twilight, it'd be much easier.

  • A.

    1, 4, 5. I'm totally with you on those. Also I'm glad someone else realizes what a pussy Romeo is, I hate that fucking story, it's not romantic, Romeo is a bitch.

  • Christina

    There's a lot of rhetorical questions here, and they need answers

  • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

    Fuck Holden Caulfield. And not in the good way.

    I agree with you about Eric Northman and Dexter though.

  • charlotte

    OH MY GOD YEEESSSSSS! FOR ALL OF THEM!

  • microfiche

    amazed that there's no seth cohen

  • Josephine Pop

    I'm with you on Riggins, Eric Northman, Dally & Jordan Catalano.  Although I get the feeling that you don't really “date” the first three.

  • Aelya

    WHERE IS SETH COHEN
    THIS LIST IS BULLSHIT

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504867439 Ines Chan

      Yes, totally, I agree. I'm on a huge O.C. marathon right now, and fuck yes, I agree.

  • ShakespeareNut

    Macbeth, stable?? You're kidding, right? The guy is a ticking time bomb. And if you think he's not a pussy, look again at the play. You're right: Lady Macbeth totally runs the show. But Macbeth isn't the kind of submissive to bring you breakfast in bed or rub your feet. No, he's just the kind that will whinge and whine at you while you yell at him for not doing it. Not a fun life.

    If you want Shakespearean bad boys, go for Benedict (crazy about you, but not a wimp about it), or maybe Edmund (HOT). Not Iago, though, his relationship with Emilia was a trainwreck. And Richard III is just a psychopath.

    As for the submissive, I want to be in charge line…please. How about Orlando? He's bad-ass enough to win a wrestling match, but he still writes poems about you. Other than that, your options for submissive are pretty much limited to wimps like Romeo, Lysander, Demetrius and their ilk. 

    But Macbeth is just f**king nuts. Bad move.

    • FormerlyLadyM.

      I'm glad someone else handled the Macbeth bit– I was about to jump in and say the same thing.

  • margotvellocet

    simon amstell on jordan catalano <— you're not alone on Jordan Catalano.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Marie-Rodriguez/649549739 Susan Marie Rodriguez

    The Underground Man + (especially) Jordan Catalano = A+!!!!

  • bodythatmatters

    What about Daniel Desarioooo

  • halla

    you forgot Shawn Hunter.  kid was a cutie.

  • http://twitter.com/jenonizzle Jen O'Neill

    The underground man, haha. Brilliant. Touché.

  • Katrina

    this girl is a genius, for whoever disagrees ya'll nuts  
    and Twilight is a great book

    • http://valentine-kitchenson.tumblr.com valentine-kitchenson

      True.
      And false.
      Twilight is a great story, however Meyer executes it poorly. As in, her writing sucks.

  • itsme_eloise

    Ron Weasley would be my ginger king.

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    If you're 22, some of those years of bar-hopping were illegal.

  • http://twitter.com/hbic09 Eria

    how about Nate Archibald? :D lol

  • Rans

    ya wtf how can we take u seriously when u just dropped that twilight bomb on us

  • Anonymous

    Thought Catalog needs to be a little more selective about its writers. I mean, fuck, Twilight? True Blood? Friday Night Lights? Is this satire?

    • Kevin garnett

      the notes from the underground thing is more embarrassing than any of those

  • Ilovepam

    Pam Beesley is pretty damn hot. I don't know if Karen or Katy are necessarily hotter. http://bit.ly/gh7FhT

  • oneofyourloves

    I think you are great :)

  • Nancy

    I can't criticize too much because you're 22, but my advice is to stop watching romantic comedies and reading romance novels. At least stop them on a regular basis. I think they screw up women's expectations and ideals in relationships and men, as well as undermine a woman's self-confidence and trust that she'll meet someone right for her ( even if he's nothing like any character Matthew McConaughey has ever played). Do this experiment for one month: evacuate all romantic books, movies, blogs, and thoughts from your life. Seriously try hard to stop daydreaming about hearts and love and all that, and just focus all your energy on everything else in your life (friends, hobbies, work, family, socializing) and you'd be surprised how your perspective on dating will improve and consequently, your love life.

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