1. Liam Neeson, 61
Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a dream for refined, charming, action heroes like you. If you come to New York and marry me now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you. And I will force you into a whirlwind courtship, followed by a long engagement, a tasteful countryside wedding, and years living together in an eclectic West Village loft with two small corgis that we will purchase together and name Dobby and Stitch. Call me?
2. Morgan Freeman, 76
Morgan Freeman is just the best. I honestly would listen to him narrate the menu at Shake Shack, and promptly award him the EGOT. Plus, those freckles. Sigh.
3. Alan Rickman, 68
Turn. To. Page. Three-Hundred-and-Ninety Four. Snape, baby, I’ll do whatever you say. Is it weird I almost find Alan Rickman HOTTER as Snape? If it’s so wrong to love a guy who vowed to love Lily Potter for always even after she chose James Potter, who let’s be real, would’ve probably grown up to work in the stock market & wear Sperrys if he was a Muggle, then I don’t want to be right. I get filled with insurmountable rage in Love Actually when that ratchet secretary makes her moves on Alan. Don’t even try, you faux turtleneck-wearing hussy.
4. Gary Oldman, 56
Gary Oldman is so effing talented, and talent is just plain sexy. In addition to being a hugely successful film star & a celebrated stage actor, over the span of his giant career, he has managed to cultivate a massive cult following for the wicked villains he is known for portraying. I guess everyone loves a bad boy. He’s also a wildly prolific musician who once taught Daniel Radcliffe how to play the bass guitar between takes on the set of Harry Potter. I mean, I can’t even.
5. Sir Ian McKellen, 74
This picture is all you need.
6. Antonio Banderas, 53
One of my favorite movies to hate-watch is Take The Lead, that movie starring Rufio, Ya-Ya from ANTM, Paige from Degrassi, and the girl from Step Up. If you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to do so based on that cast list alone. Antonio Banderas is in it, playing a saintly teacher who reforms delinquent kids based on the power of ballroom dance. It really is a cinematic treasure. In it, there’s a scene where Antonio wants to show the tough guys that ballroom dancing isn’t a “girly” activity, so he sexy-tangos all over the detention room with a hot girl and OOF. True story #2: I usually rewind that scene about three times.
7. Mandy Patinkin, 61
Nobody understands my deep love for Mandy Pats, and I really don’t get why, but it’s fine because I can keep him all to myself. Is it the beard? Is it the stern but dignified air? Is it his charming, boyish smile? Possibly all of the above. I once took a cab in the middle of rush hour to the Upper West Side from Astoria because my friend said he saw Mandy P. working out at Equinox. I’m not proud, but I’m also not sorry. Your name is Inigo Montoya, you stole my heart, prepare to SWOON.
8. Bruce Springsteen, 63
There is a subset of people who claim to “not really get” Bruce. They run down a list of music legends they do like — Elton John, Billy Joel, Eric Clapton — but they somehow “don’t get” Bruce. To those people, I say: DO YOU ALSO NOT ENJOY PUPPIES? MAC AND CHEESE? SUMMERTIME? Because that’s the equivalent of not enjoying Bruce Springsteen. Bruce singing “Thunder Road,” dressed in artfully frayed denim, arm muscles bulging as he clutches a guitar, with a bandana holding back his luscious dark locks is basically what America is all about. God bless.
9. Colin Firth, 53
Show me a girl who hasn’t pretended she is Lizzie Bennett to Colin Firth’s Mr. Darcy, and I will show you a girl who is a liar. It counts if you’ve also pretended you’re Bridget Jones.
10. Woody Harrelson, 52
Did you know his real name is Woodrow Tracy Harrelson? That just makes him hotter. Woody once got arrested in Columbus, OH in 1982 for DANCING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, then running from the cops that approached him. The man basically got arrested because he looked at the police and said, “turn down for what?!” Be still my heart. The exact moment I fell in love with Woody Harrelson was his amazing Bill Murray scene in Zombieland. He is SO good.
11. John Slattery, 51
Don Draper who? I have always had a soft spot for Roger, SCDP’s resident silver fox. In recent seasons, he’s become more of a punchline, but early Roger Sterling was enough to bag Joan Holloway, the baddest bitch in advertising. John Slattery often plays bigwigs in TV and film, and I get it — he just has that “I’m going to totally screw you over, but you’ll let me because I’m gorgeous” thing going for him. Let’s just collectively ignore that one episode of Sex and the City, k?
12. Daniel Day-Lewis, 56
I will always remember the day we watched the movie adaptation of The Crucible in high school, and I mentally cursed out Winona Ryder for getting DDL burnt at the stake. I am so in love with DDL, I even thought he was gorg when he was method-acting as Lincoln and eating scones at Starbucks in a top hat, prosthetic nose, and fake beard.