This Is What The Day After Super Bowl 50 Would Look Like In The Matriarchy

YouTube / Entertainment Tonight
YouTube / Entertainment Tonight

February 8, 2016. The sun rises. Jessica, a young female entrepreneur stretches her arms and slaps her alarm clock. She opens her phone. A few notifications from BOX News, the outlet formerly known as FOX News: “The Broncos win Super Bowl 50;” “Hillary Clinton faces Bernadette Sanders in completely fair debate free of gender norms or a history of oppression which may have prevented them from being treated equally on a public forum.”

Jessica checks Twitter. She tweets “good morning!” without fear of men calling her a whore before she even puts her contacts in. She scrolls through her timeline: just a bunch of women congratulating each other on another successful telecast with equal representation in gender, race and sexuality.

Miley Cyrus, Anna Kendrick, Cara Delevingne and Jennifer Lopez give praise to Beyoncé on her stellar performance. Beyoncé responds, thankful, like truly grateful, because they are void of the notion that females must compete against each other to win the prize of a man’s acceptance and validation.

Somewhere in an apartment in Los Feliz sits Chris Martin—a mediocre white man whose band is playing tonight at some bar nobody gives a fuck about. Fuck your Facebook invite, Chris.

Lena Dunham drafts a bitter tweet about #SB50 that says, “imagine a world in which WOMEN were given even one day to celebrate all the stupid shit they like and weren’t shamed for it,” then erases it because every day is that day now.

Last night, the Super Bowl rocked our socks…

The Spice Girls sang the national anthem because their age doesn’t affect their worth. They are beautiful and timeless gems.

The Broncos and Panthers were made up of both men and women. Turns out women are quite strong and unbelievable strategists. Actually, most women are jacked as hell now that they live in a system where they’re encouraged to thrive and develop their physical strengths without being called a “dyke.”

They know that one’s same-sex attraction to women does not in any way affect their ability to contribute to society. They’re not expected to serve the ego or sexual desire of the man. Men are no longer offended when they aren’t needed, because they have accepted that being wanted is much more gratifying than being needed. Also they aren’t needed.

The #SB50 commercials rocked.

The beer advertisements were marketed toward men and women, because of course both men and women enjoy beer. The Bud Light commercial, and I’m paraphrasing, went something like this:

WOMAN IN BAR: Look at that hot girl over there.

2ND WOMAN IN BAR: Yeah she is hot. Let’s go talk to her and see if her opinions match up with ours on an intellectual level and thus we can combine our sexual attraction to her with our ability to relate to her on a spiritual and psychological level. I love Bud Light.

WOMAN IN BAR: Same, bars are dope places to meet people who are similar to us.

FADE TO BLACK.

During Beyoncé’s performance, all the women in the stadium made explicit sexual remarks over Beyoncé and her dancers’ bodies…because they are pieces of art that should be respected and canonized for the craft they are performing as part of their creative expression and professional careers. They are all valued as people and are therefore respected as such.

Today, Jessica arrives at work and passes by her co-worker, Lisa. Lisa is dressed in a graphic t-shirt covered in cats. Jessica compliments her on her shirt and asks if she’s a “cat lady.” They have a laugh over their mutual appreciation for cats and agree that neither one of them wants to get married and that’s totally ok, because they celebrate each other’s uniqueness, independence and ability to make a decision for themselves.

Lisa asks if Jessica has seen that new Showtime show Billions. Jessica says, “oh, is that the one where Damien Lewis and Paul Giamatti star in another goddamn show about privileged white men whose little baby feelings get hurt?” Lisa says, “no, it’s this brilliant new show about a black female billionaire who dodges the also-female Attorney General, who happens to be a lesbian, even though her sexuality is not a plot point in the story.”

Jessica asks if the Attorney General’s lesbianism is exploited and boiled down to meaningless sex scenes through the eyes of a male director who attaches no actual worth and emotion to the character’s relationships. They have another laugh.

Jessica and Lisa are best friends who have experimented together and that’s fine. Everyone does it and judgment is never passed. They understand that the human experience is complicated and emotional, especially in female friendships. They also don’t shave their legs or their armpits and still praise each other as sexy.

Around lunchtime, Jessica and her diverse coworkers gather around the water cooler to talk about the Super Bowl. They all agree that Beyoncé’s performance was godly, but they don’t pit her against Katy Perry’s performance last year, because they know that they are two different musicians with different styles, personalities and upbringings.

At the end of the day, Lisa asks Jessica if she would like to grab dinner with her. Jessica politely declines, as she is on her period and would like to rest. They briefly converse about Kylie Jenner’s new line of Padded Underwear for Free Bleeders, then they part ways.

Jessica goes home, stretches her arms once more and goes to sleep smiling, knowing that equal pay and opportunity is given to all genders and races in her country. Just before dozing off, she wonders why everyone assumed Left Shark was a male in the first place. She quickly realizes it was because he seemed emotionally unintelligent and scared to confront his sexual curiosity. If only “straight” men were allowed to kiss without being seen as less of a “man” and thus less valued by their “masculine” peers. Oh, wait! They totally are allowed! TC mark

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