Real talk, Halloween is the best day of the year. You can dress up like anything in the world for one day and no one can judge you, right? WRONG. There are rules to these games, just like there are rules to the game Operation, the original source of every twenty-something’s anxiety disorder. On Halloween, one must be sensitive to gender equality, racial equality, stereotypes, the gender spectrum, and—
‘Scuse me, Ms. Jill?
Um, I’m in the middle of an article. Yes, Karen?
Can I dress up as an NFL player in handcuffs, just having been arrested for sexual assault?
Mmm, no. No no no that seems wrong, don’t do that.
Even if I’m white?
What? Yes, of course. I don’t understand why you’d even—
So if I’m white, I can be a Ferguson, MO cop?
WHAT? NO how are you—What the in the world?
Can I be the patriarchy?
Yes, I suppose that’s possible. If you’re a feminist, sure, you can ironically dress up as the patriarchy.
Can I be slutty ISIS?
…Slutty as in promiscuous?
No, slutty as in negatively promoting the objectification of women and the shaming of their libidos.
THEN NO KAREN DEFINITELY NO.
There seems to be a lot of confusion in the room on how to celebrate the Fall holiday in an accepting and appropriate manner. So, allow me to give you a list of the do’s and don’ts of a feminist Halloween.
DO: Easy A
DON’T: A prostitute. Be respectful.
DO: The Jay-Z & Solange elevator fight.
DON’T: Ray Rice’s elevator fight. Burnnnn.
DO: Ironically represent the pay gap.
DON’T: Ironically represent the thigh gap.
DO: Chapman & Vause.
DON’T: Julianne Hough as Crazy Eyes. C’mon, man.
DO: The American Horror Story Coven.
DO: Zombie Jocks from the AHS: Coven pilot.
DO: Myrtle Snow
DO: Fiona Goode & Marie Laveau
DO: Seriously, be the coven.
DON’T: Wear a fat suit as Gabourey Sidibe you sick motherfucking fuck.
DO: Girl Ronald McDonald.
DON’T: The Women of Carl’s Jr.
DON’T: Transgender Ronald McDonald. GROW UP.
DO: Nicki Minaj Anaconda
DON’T! MY ANACONDA DON’T! Heh. See what I did there?
ACTUALLY DON’T: Kesha post-Dr. Luke, you nightmare.
DO: Justin & Selena.
DON’T: Rapey James Franco & objectified Selena Gomez in Spring Breakers. It’s like you WANT people to hate you.
DO: Wear a nude suit and call yourself “nudes.”
DON’T: Jennifer Lawrence OH YOU ARE TRULY SICK.
DO: Bridget Jones
DON’T: Renée Zellweger post-op SUPPORT WOMEN EVERYWHERE.
DO Cara Delevingne
Seriously I want to do Cara Delevingne. She just seems really cool and those eyebrows man, those eyebrows. I think if we met she’d actually really like me and maybe she’d be into me and—
DO: North West in 20 years. Creative!
DO: An E! News Correspondent.
DON’T YOU EVEN SAY IT: Joan Rivers.
Oh, you said it. You monster.
DO: Sweet, smart Marcia from The Brady Bunch.
MAYBE: Ann B. Davis from The Brady Brunch. That feels like more of a tribute than a sick joke. Thinking out loud here.
DON’T: Jan Hooks, Maya Angelou, Elaine Stritch YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.
DO: Parody Republicans who oppose reproductive rights and closing the gender pay gap.
DON’T Vote for them. November 4th, comin’ in hot, ladies.
DO: Iggy Azalea Fuck Yeah.
DO: Iggy Azalea & Snoop Dogg LOLOL.
DON’T: Something racist, Idk you guys, basically don’t be racist or sexist.
DO: Miley Cyrus
DON’T: Miley Cyrus & Robin Thicke.
DO: Miley Cyrus & Zombie Robin Thicke. Heh heh heh.
DO: Monica Lewinsky
DON’T: Slutty Hilary Clinton
DO: Malala Yousafzai
DON’T: Slutty Malala Yousafzai
DO: Feminist Emma Watson
DON’T: Slutty Hermione THERE ARE CHILDREN.
DO: Chloe Grace Moretz’s Carrie.
DON’T: SLUTTY CARRIE
DO: SLUTTY SAUL BERENSON.
DON’T: Carrie Mathison in any sexual situation. Somebody get this lady some help.
So remember: Have fun, be safe, and don’t take candy from men who objectify you, talk over you, pressure you or disrespect you! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!