1. The way people “meet each other” nowadays is, like, really weird.
If you’re like me, you grew up watching movies where people made a romantic connection through a—gasp—face-to-face interaction. And you can’t help but wonder how people fell in love before Tinder, Facebook, and all that shit. Why won’t a cute stranger strike up a conversation with me while I’m walking my dog or in line at Starbucks? Better yet—why is it creepy to say, “Hi, what’s your name?” to me in public, but sending me a message on Tinder that says, “Hi sexy ;)” isn’t? What the hell?
2. The façade is over.
Remember how much more confident we felt dating when we were younger? The only things we had to worry about were our outfit and where we were going to make out afterward. Here are some examples of things that never crossed the minds of our 18-year-old selves:
• “I said I’d buy dinner, but I only have like $70 in my bank account right now. Is Applebee’s acceptable?”
• “OMG, is he coming to my apartment after dinner? I think I literally left my vibrator on the sofa.”
• “If we have sex the lights have to be off. I literally ate nothing but Chicken Pad Thai and Pop-Tarts for the past two weeks and it is NOTICEABLE.”
• “….and if he comes over, he’s going to be able to tell I spend all my money on the most superficial shit ever like Michael Kors purses; meanwhile half of my furniture is still plastic or from Goodwill, and now I feel like a terrible adult.”
3. No one trusts anyone.
Fuck every single dating experience we’ve had between ages 18-24. Nothing good happened, and it is going to haunt us forever.
• “You said you had to take some clients out for a drink tonight? Bullshit. You’re going to a strip club.”
• “You’ve never felt this way about anyone? Bullshit. You’ve said that like fifty times, minimum.”
• “You have a password on your phone to keep your financial information secure? Bullshit. Your phone is full of SECRETS.”
And of course, the mistrust is totally thrown back at us, but in a dude version:
• “How do you know that guy? Are you friends?”
• “How many guy friends do you have?”
• “Why did you curl your hair for work today? Who are you trying to impress?”
• “Have fun with your girlfriends. Are there dudes there?”
4. You’re probably a “settling down” candidate.
The sad reality of dating guys in their late 20s or 30s is that they’ve already had all the fun in the world. They’ve been partying for 10-15 years. They’ve banged out so many chicks that they can’t even count anymore. At this point, they just want some regular vagina and someone to cook for them because they’re sick of take-out. And the sad truth is that you know you’re getting older, your boobs aren’t as perky as they used to be (and neither is anything else, actually), Spanx have become a wardrobe staple of yours, and adulthood has pretty much sucked the enthusiasm right out of your soul. Basically, you’re not a hot, young, peppy girl anymore—and you will forever have to deal with this guy trying not to check out your hot waitresses, bartenders, etc. behind your back. Total bummer.
5. Our biological clocks are kind of like, “What the fuck?”
We know plenty of girlfriends and family members who had babies in their early or mid-20s. It’s been a really special experience watching their kids grow up. Meanwhile, since you decided to wait until you meet the right guy to get married, your reproductive organs are basically dying inside of you. So even if you might meet Mr. Right and by the time you’re 30-something you have a rock on your finger, guess what? Now you’re stressed the fuck out because you have to see every doctor imaginable and do circus tricks for three fucking years just to try and get pregnant. And knowing that our biological clocks are ticking makes the whole dating process feel that much more desperate.