41 Insane Things I’ve Done In The Name Of The Royal Family

Flicker, Robbie Dale
Flicker, Robbie Dale

1. Bought an infomercial replica Princess Diana engagement ring.

2. Returned said ring because it did not fit properly.

3. Measured my engagement ring finger for the first time.

4. Bought second replica royal engagement ring in the right size.

5. Kept replica engagement ring through every move, every jewelry box cleaning, every everything.

6. Never worn replica engagement ring as no time seemed “appropriate.”

7. Purchased the Zara dress Kate Middleton wore the day after her wedding.

8. Told everyone, “This is the dress Kate Middleton wore after her wedding. You know with the blazer and wedges?”

9. Tried to make wedges work on my non-wedge-accepting feet.

10. Tried to make blazers work on my non-blazer-accepting shoulders.

11. Wore Kate and William masks with my best friend.

12. Took pictures wearing Kate and William masks with best friend.

13. Wrote the beginnings of a novel about Prince William falling in love with an American girl who resembled me 100% (Age 10).

14. Learned how to sketch the country of Great Britain in detail (Age 12).

15. Subscribed to the Yahoo! News “royal” coverage (Age 14).

16. Watched YouTube videos of Eton boys being Eton boys (Age 16).

17. Decorated my home with a framed sketching of Lady Di (Age 26).

18. Referred to the sketching of Lady Di as my best friend (Age 26).

19. Took pictures with Lady Di and decided they were my best ever and needed to be my Instagram profile (current).

20. Watched Diana alone after midnight.

21. Watched The Queen alone after midnight.

22. Showed my boyfriend the Chinese version of Diana’s infamous Panorama interview, pausing at points to say, “There were three of us in this marriage” and “TAMPONGATE”.

23. Explained Tampongate in depth to a person I love.

24. Analyzed the merits of Chelsy v Cressida.

25. Used the following line in a public blog post, “The royal family is nothing if not a bunch of women with fantastic hair. Is this an overcompensation for the male pattern baldness gene that plagues their Y chromosome?  Only Freud himself would know.”

26. Watched the short-lived, ill-advised TV show, “I Wanna Marry Harry.”

27. Tried on a version of Princess Diana’s hair in Photoshop.

28. And Kate’s.

29. And Cressida’s.

30. Concluded what the royal family is really missing is my hair.

31. Celebrated Prince Harry’s 30th birthday at a British pub in LA.

32. Read Pippa Middleton’s column.

33. Watched Pippa Middleton’s first televised interview.

34. Declared her to be, “Lovely, really. Bloody, top-of-the-morning cuppa tea lovely.”

35. Listed off Harry’s first names in rapid succession.

36. Ditto William’s.

37. Had an in-depth discussion about the family’s last name.

38. Had an in-depth discussion about Kate’s bangs.

39. Moved to England for a time, not fully for the royals, but not fully not for the royals.

40. Sang “God Save The Queen” unironically and to a crowd.

41. Cried to “Candle in the Wind.” TC mark

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