1. The Humble Bragger – Regina George
“She may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.”
Her profile pictures are an endless stream of flawlessly photoshopped selfies and her statuses are totally intended to warrant insane jealousy/FOMO/secret hatred.
2. The Overeager Lurker (and Hopefully “Liker”) – Gretchen Wieners
“She knows everybody’s business. She knows everything about everyone. That’s why her hair is so big; it’s full of secrets.”
But she’s secretly your favorite Facebook friend of them all: always there for an extra like just when you need it most.
3. The Pointless Statuser – Karen Smith
This person wastes precious news feed status space on inquiries that could’ve just as easily been Googled or on their unwanted restaurant check-ins and other futile daily life updates.
4. The Spammer – Guy Who Farts a Lot
Whether intentional or the unfortunate victim of a hacker, these “friends” are just the low of the low.
5. Unwanted Relatives and Family Friends – Mrs. George
You’ve only told your mom a trillion times that your Facebook interactions with one another are strictly limited to a discrete like, but somehow the terrifying notification that the bar hop photo from Friday night has been commented on by your mother, great aunt, and third grade teacher is a guaranteed constancy. What can you say? “You keep them young!”
6. The Barely-There Facebooker – Janis Ian
You almost forget this person even exists in real life given their lack of virtual presence on your news feed. They simply couldn’t care any less what their measly 134 “friends” think of their social life or their most recent profile picture…from 2009.
7. The Person That You’re Not Really Real-Life Friends With – Damian
Maybe you added each other at a networking event four years ago or a random group hang out where you share some mutual pictures? You can’t really remember how you know them, but they nonetheless continue to like and comment on all of your updates as if you’re real-life BFFs. So maybe you’ll keep them around.
8. The Unbelievably Popular Poster – Glenn Coco
Nevermind the fact that you could win a Pulitzer Prize and get engaged in the same night, and your status about it wouldn’t garner half of the likes that this person’s seemingly mediocre cover photo gets. You go, Glenn Coco.
9. That Creeper/Coach Carr
His consistent likes and occasional flattering comments are initially welcomed…and then come the pokes and private messages and winky faces… and ultimate unfriending.
10. The One You Stalk – Aaron Samuels
The only thing worse than trying to feign normal social interaction with this perfect specimen in real life is trying to stalk his social media without getting caught through the accidental like of a two-year-old timeline pic.
11. The Nerd – Kevin Gnapoor
He’s not ashamed that his five visible profile pictures are a mixture of Pokémon characters and other anime graphics, or that his statuses largely consist of gaming accomplishments or shared links from fan blogs that others literally couldn’t care less about. Oh, Kevin G!
12. The One Who Uses Facebook as a Personal Gym Diary – Shane Oman
There’s always the one friend posting their daily CrossFit routine and gym mirror selfies. Because, let’s face it, if you didn’t tell Facebook you were at the gym, did you really even work out? But at least the Shane Omans of the world occasionally enlighten us with information, such as the fact that Kalteen bars make you gain weight like crazy.
13. The Serious One – Mr. Duvall
Don’t even dare to think you can post a potentially controversial status update or debatably racy pic without this “friend” taking note. This person has the eyes of a hawk for any outlet to post their annoying, politically correct opinions on subject matter that has no place amongst the trash of typical Facebook comments. He did not leave the South Side for this.
14. The One With a Double Life – Cady Heron
She may seem like the Humble Bragger (aka Queen Bee Regina), but deep down this girl is just a somewhat lost soul caught up in the world of virtual fallacies where a seemingly perfect social life filled with albums of pictures and loving wall posts among friends only masks the fact that she’s often sitting at home and watching Netflix while stalking the semi-fake lives of her other semi-fake friends.