1. The one who doesn’t know fridge etiquette: Oh, your Diet Coke exploded? I’m sure there’s someone we pay to clean that up. That tupperware is growing mold? Yeah, just pick it up when you retire… That’s fine. Plus, there’s always the secret borrower that uses just enough of your salad dressing everyday to avoid actually buying their own or getting noticed.
2. The one who thinks they work harder than everyone else: This person is always typing away furiously and rolling an eyeball at those who actually leave their desk for a lunch break. They’re constantly huffing and puffing about the amount of things on their to-do list, yet you bet they’re probably secretly spending the majority of their afternoons on Facebook.
3. The one who doesn’t respond to emails: I can literally see your monitor over the corner of my cubicle. I see you IMing Mike from accounting. It’s fine though; my email about the earnings report due at 5:00 isn’t as crucial as your karaoke plans on Friday.
4. The one who lets other people do stuff: Somehow this person swoops in at just the right moment to nab the last bit of coffee, to print on the last piece of computer paper, and to take the last stamp from the supply drawer. Sucks to be next in line but what do they care? The toilet paper roll will refill itself on its own.
5. The one who brings pungent food: Of course nobody minds having their simple cold sub sandwich infiltrated with the scent of your leftover Thai emitting from the microwave in an inescapable cloud of repugnance. No big deal, as long as your palette is happy.
6. The one who plays music too loudly: How do you even hear people at normal volume when your ear buds are accustomed to having Jason Derulo blasting loud enough for the entire second floor to clearly sing along?
7. The one with restless leg syndrome: Try getting an ounce of work done with the constant motion of a leg out of the corner of your eye and the annoying tap, tap, tap to accompany it. This is sometimes (but not always) also the worker who feels a need to make their desk a workout station. Like, no one wants to see you pedaling ferociously or failing to balance on a ball while at the office. You know what’ll burn more calories than trying to keep your feet in motion under your desk? A single hour at the gym after hours.
8. The one who makes their desk a personal haven: A few pictures are fine, but this person has made their desk into a miniature dorm room. Canvases, crafts, inspirational quotes, and pictures galore make it impossible to make your own desk seem even remotely homey.
9. The one who overshares: Nobody makes the mistake of asking this person how their weekend was; unless they want a full-on description of little Jimmy’s stomach virus and how they suspect their husband might be making moves on the neighborhood tennis captain.