The Bachelorette Week 2: First Dates, Disasters, And Downward Spirals

The Bachelorette
The Bachelorette

As the second episode features the first round of dates, the guys moving into the Bach mansion, and the constant reminders of why all of these 30-ish-year-olds are still single for a reason, I’m not sure I’m on the right channel.  I only see two v-necks.  Who are all these guys wearing tracksuits and hoodies?  Those can’t be Bach-ette contestants.

“Living in a place where so many people fell in love gives me hope.” –Nick S.  You do know the track record of the show, right?  And the source of every piece of criticism from every fan and non-fan ever?

DATE WITH ERIC: 

Um, heart-wrenching.  (Recap: Eric died shortly after filming the show in a tragic hang-gliding accident.)

For somebody who infamously called Juan Pablo out for his constant utterance of “Es OK,” Andi needs to shake up her word choices a bit.  “I’m glad I picked Eric” – 4 times and the desperate sorority girl-ish “Stahhhhhhp” –too many to count.  And, while we’re at it, the “y’all’s” are a tad bit overdone, too.

Andi, who doesn’t look like she has an athletic bone in her body, tries to pick an adventurous date for world-traveler Eric but, like, it doesn’t work.

Andi: “Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?”

Eric: “I actually rode a motorcycle halfway across Africa.”

AND he talks about his near-death experience (sad face) in the Syrian war zone, his dad hitchhiking the US, and everything that he’s good at that Andi also happens to suck at.

The date starts out building sand castles on the beach and a stab in the chest each and every time Eric mentions absolutely anything about his future.  “I’ll never outgrow doing stuff like this.”  “I want kids.”  Ugh, moment of silence while women nationwide sob into their glasses of pinot noir.  Alas, the always-present Bach helicopter is there to continue the date and Eric is shocked it’s for them.  Lolz.

For a brief second on the mountain portion of the date, I thought Shaun White had sold his dignity to make a cameo on the Bachelorette, but don’t fret.  It’s just some other snowboarder that nobody knows.  Apparently the show couldn’t even get the likes of pro-snowboarder and Bachelorette-alum Jesse (from DeAnna’s season) to show up.

Dinner consists of more talk about adventures (tear), family (choke), and futures (sob) before a fireplace s’mores finale in which Eric solidifies his role as America’s favorite by not going in for the awkward and obligatory first date kiss but still nabs the rose at stake.

GROUP DATE:

Funny how the announcement of a group date on the Bachelorette is treated like an excuse for a party while the equivalent on the Bachelor elicits death glares and potential stabbings.

“I love her.” –Craig.  “I’ll bare anything for Andi.” – Cody.   This season is shaping up to be a wonderful series of acts of desperation considering these statements come after one night and a five-minutes-tops discussion.

Ah, the Magic Mike group date where the men are asked to strip…But don’t worry, it’s not scandalous since it’s for charity.  Duh.  Can we just point out how wildly inappropriate this would be if the roles were reversed?  If the Bachelor had an exotic dancing escapade on the first group date, I’m pretty sure they’d also have a lawsuit.  The men hoot and holler at the sight of the male strippers, which is a sign that they’re either 1. ridiculously over-acting good sports or 2. all gay, which was already suspected after the first epi.

Quotes BY guys ABOUT OTHER GUYS: “I’m not going to be as sexy as him…he’s kind of the full package.”  I rest my case.  (Oh, and side note: Chris Harrison spanked one’s ass and he issss recently divorced…)

Obviously the guys were given an open bar backstage beforehand because they didn’t appear nearly as nervous as they should’ve been.  Especially considering some have to stand next to guys with bodies like Josh M.’s.

The dinner/drinks portion of the night is pretty much dominated by the drunken mess that is Craig.  (Yeah, same guy who said “I love her” and stuffed his package and talked a little too fondly about how hot Josh M. is.)  He goes on to repeatedly approach Andi, jump in the pool fully-clothed, continue swooning over his man crush, push another guy into the stove, and turn the entire night into the frat party he was probably never welcomed at—and eventually got kicked out of by the producers.

Andi: “I’m an open book.  Ask me anything.”

Craig: “What’s the worst thing about your parents?”

Marcus gets the rose for doing a solo performance at the strip show—I mean, charity event—but, like, who cares after we just saw Craig moon the camera?

DATE WITH CHRIS:

Andi and Chris’s date consists of watching the horse races at the Santa Anita track, wherein Andi feels the need to narrate each and every action and explain how much FUN it all is because it genuinely isn’t conveyed by what’s seen onscreen.  Chris’s stiffness in his grey suit proves that you can take the boy out of the farm but you can’t necessarily take the farm out of the boy.

All the while, Andi remains kind of overly dramatic about the whole drunk Craig thing.  We’re only reminded 77 times about how one guy with too many cocktails having too good of a time makes her question the intention of every guy there.  Trust me, Andi: Craig is the least of your problems if you’re trying to analyze the foolproofness and validity of the process of the entire series.

While sipping mint juleps in the VIP suite, Andi and Chris are interrupted by an older couple that inquires how long they’d been together before divulging their love advice.  Obvi not planned given the camouflage of all of the camera crews.  Chris, like all of the other guys with an ounce of camera time thus far, immediately calls Andi “the one” and imagines telling their kids how they met.  Never mind the fact that he entered the show with a 4% chance of winning and approximately 10% (and that’s generous) of all of the show’s couples last long-term.  That means the chance of you and Andi being together with kids is about .004.  Good luck, bud.

After sharing that he broke off a previous engagement and how he doesn’t want to settle and blah blah blah, Andi gives him the rose.  It seems as if any guy appeals to Andi’s independence and high standards and shares the same “I’m better than that” value system, they’re in.  The night concludes with a private concert, as does at least one one-on-one in every episode ever (albeit a less-well-known band this time around…).  But really, these contestants should probably stop acting like helicopter rides and concerts are oh so special because, like, they aren’t.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY: 

Nick V: “What are you looking for?”

Andi: “I really don’t know…I haven’t found that perfect connection yet.”

Andi: “Nick V. and I are REALLY aligned on what we’re looking for.”

I can’t hear anything Marquel is saying over the loudness of his plaid shirt, floral tie, and striped socks.

Maybe this show never, ever works because every single guy is talking about how he’s going to act with his (nonexistent) wife (aka YOU, Andi, hint hint) at the age of 60.  Like that ever happens within your first 10 minutes of collective conversation with someone.  Even Josh M. professes how he “sees himself with her” after a single kiss.  And he seemed like the normal, hard-to-get one.

Uh oh, Craig is back and looking for a comeback by performing a decently-written and absolutely terribly-performed song about being drunk, concluding with the not-desperate-at-all line “Please let me stay.”  Craig reminds me of a more country Michael Buble, if Michael Buble were to get shit-faced drunk, ruin a date, strip down in front of 10 other guys, get a guitar, and pretend he could sing.  And, surprisingly, Craig’s performance isn’t interrupted with one of Andi’s constant “Stahps.”

The rose ceremony is comprised of more guys being sent home that we still don’t really know at all…and Craig.  Carl, the firefighter with the tattoo sleeve who’s in denial that there isn’t another secret rose waiting for him, and Nick S., the professional golfer with the receding hairline who’s “trying to not totally freak and break down” after getting dumped by a girl who he was never actually dating, make their embarrassing exits.  Surprisingly, Craig makes the most commendable departure as he regrets his drunken actions and compliments Andi.

Can’t wait for double the drama next week when ABC #blesses us with two nights of the show, as if two full hours every week wasn’t already enough.  But, of course, we’ll still be watching. TC mark

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