Last night featured the premiere of the summer-long Monday night entertainment spectacular for housewives nationwide: The Bachelorette! This season features Andi Dorfman, an Assistant District Attorney from Atlanta that can rock an ombre middle-part somewhere between the skill level of Khloe Kardashian and Lauren Conrad and evidently boasts triple the IQ of her predecessor, the much-despised Juan Pablo Galavis. This season also features 12 Fabio look-alikes.
The episode began with a heartfelt memorial montage of Eric Hill, a contestant on the current season that since passed after filming ended due to a freak paragliding accent. Making matters even more devastating is the fact that he is inarguably top 3 in looks and seeming normalness for the upcoming season and many of his conversations discuss his adventurous personality.
After the somber moment, the show immediately delved into the standard start: an introduction of the Bach-ette in a too-short yellow dress and sporting longing stares into a murky lake in the heart of Atlanta. Andi is shown scriptedly working her magic in a courtroom before packing up her desk and leaving her successful job—(okay, maybe only double JP’s IQ)—before a shopping spree in Beverly Hills that reveals her not-so-hot eye for style in a rose-filled graphic tee. We’re also shown a highly insightful and deep discussion with her sister, which solely encompasses talk about 1. how important it is for the guy to be a good kisser, and 2. which shiny dress to wear.
Unfortunately, the show’s routine of showing in-depth glimpses into 5-7 guys’ lives is cut due to the limited time allotment from the preceding Dancing With the Stars finale. Now, we have to casually meet the 25 men based on their largely-tacky first impressions rather than getting an inside look into their home life (and the show inevitably always picks guys that are obviously going to make it pretty far, hint hint) and their a. morning work-out routines, b. love of their Labrador Retrievers, c. successful suit-and-tie corporate jobs, or d. ability to wakeboard and/or play a professional sport. (Because has there really ever been a contestant’s introduction video that didn’t feature one of these four attributes? Answer: No.)
Alas, we are left with mere glimpses of each and every man as he has approximately 28 seconds to leave a lasting impression without coming off as desperate, cheesy, and/or creepy. Although plenty can be told from their bios alone, as we are introduced to bartenders, pantsapreneurs (wut), and former professional athletes (but, like, what do you do now though?). [Side Note for future contestants: no contestant should bother approaching with a handshake because every Bachelor or Bachelorette in the history of forever “is a hugger.” Take a sip every time you hear “I’m a hugger” or the word “interesting” and you’ll be gone by the third commercial break, guaranteed.]
First out of the limousine is Marcus—also known as Garrett Hedlund 2.0. Other memorable moments include Cody’s pushing of the limo up the driveway and Andi’s blatant lack of enthrallment: “I’m a little worried you’re a personal trainer and out of breath already, from that short little push.” Then there’s Brett, the hairstylist with the mullet—which is, surprisingly, only the fifth ugliest hair style there—who stole a lamp from the hotel and didn’t even seize the opportunity to use the cheesy line of “lighting up their romance” or “turning him on.” Two of the “easiest on the eyes” guys come out towards the very end—whew, they do exist—and encompass Eric—(cue somber music and ensuing feelings of sadness that will unavoidably persist during every minute of his camera time for the remainder of the season)—and Aaron Murray’s hot older brother and former pro baseball player, Josh M. The rest of the contenders include guys with too-wide eyes and their eyebrows excitedly plastered to their hairlines (Craig, for one), men with borderline speech impediments and/or weird mouth movements (looking at you, Chris), plenty of lopsided bow ties and what-were-they-thinking attire (“stoked” Steven), ones who think it’s a good plan to list their resume/heredity/travel history immediately off the bat (Ron, kind of) and guys with gut-wrenching pick-up lines (everyone else).
As always, the beginning of the rounds of one-on-one time are preceded with a statement from Andi that “her husband is sitting in the room.” Nobody reminded her of the show’s track record for marriages, evidently, but at least the girl’s got hope. (Although the subsequent sob-filled scenes from future episodes suggest otherwise.)
After a sushi-filled- and pool-dunking-themed talk with Josh M, Andi provides a voiceover about how her type should change, since she’s still single. Cue one of the token black contestants, Marquel, who engages Andi in a cookie-tasting adventure, which is probably every girl’s worst nightmare while wearing a skin-tight formal dress on national television. She discusses languages with Tasos—who is much more normal than we first judged based on his job as a wedding event coordinator and sparkly earrings—farm life with Craig, and (more) languages with Marcus. The majority of the other conversations aren’t super memorable—including one with the first impression rose winner, Nick V.…who?!
The one-on-ones didn’t comprise the entire of the show’s entertainment: the opera singer serenades (the other guys) while Andrew and Patrick share a love for cars and immediately and openly divulge to the camera how far “above” the other guys they both are. (Bets on how long it takes before they leave the show to have an affair with one another?) And, of course, a party crasher from a past season arrives: Chris—from Emily Maynard’s season and Bachelor Pad—who can only be remembered for his creepily stoic gaze, which is solidified when told Andi doesn’t want him there. (Never mind the fact that Andi’s excuse for denying him is how much effort every other guy’s put in, when Chris was the one that apparently camped out for seven days AND brought roses while the regular 25 contestants slept in a hotel and boarded a limo when called upon. But whatevs.) His “I’m not leaving” speech especially makes us forget about any creepy inkling of memories we had.
The rose ceremony was particularly thrilling since we don’t know any of the men yet. The cutest one to depart—Josh B.—also eliminates any likeability he had before we knew anything about his personality as he breaks into a rant about the rose-getters toasting without him. Debatable if the bloodshot eyes are from alcohol or crying, but we hope it’s the former. We can’t be too sad for any of the dearly departed strangers, except for Emil (pronounced like “anal” with an M); we never even got a chance to hear his name called out at a rose ceremony!