The 10 Women You’ll See On ‘The Bachelor’

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

1. The one who gets too drunk.

Usually exposed and hence eliminated during the opening episode, there is always at least one girl who either a) drinks way too much out of sheer nervousness and ends up crying in a bathroom or b) thanks ABC for the copious amount of free alcohol and ends up skinny dipping into the pool in her cocktail dress.  Nevermind the fact that her fifteen minutes of fame will only be remembered when she watches them back on live television along with her co-workers, parents, and millions of other Americans.

2. The one who monopolizes his attention.

Oh wait, the purpose of this show is to date a guy who’s also dating 24 other girls?  Screw that.  This is the girl who insists on becoming his conjoined twin at each and every group date.  She doesn’t even care about being super close to him as much as she cares that nobody else can be.

3. The one who’s just not that into it.

She’s only on the show for the free booze, free vacays, free mansion accommodations, free TV face time, and to watch all of the other girls who have a 96% chance of getting rejected throw themselves heedlessly at a man who is 35 & single for a reason.

4. The one with the sob story.

Conversation coming to a lull?  On the brink of getting sent home?  Need something to stand out from the crowd?  Don’t fret!  Just pull out that example of when your father had one-too-many drinks last New Year’s and suddenly you can play the “alcoholic family” card!  Because, after all, what does it say about the Bachelor if he sends you home immediately following your breakdown describing your great aunt’s passing when you were in middle school?  Ahh, the sympathy rose.

5. The one who has never had a single conversation with him.

Okay, we’re six episodes in and I still don’t know the name of the blond who’s self-proclaimed profession is “dog lover.” Granted, this is the fault of the editors, but there seems to always be the slightly less attractive coattail-rider who is only seen sipping on cocktails, tanning in the background, or nodding compliantly as the other girls bitch to her about the contestants that actually matter.  (Note: these girls also typically fall into Category #3 as well).

6. The one who gets insanely jealous almost immediately.

One 10-minute conversation at a cocktail party has to make the Bachelor your exclusive boyfriend, right?  The only feasible explanation is that there must be a force field upon entering the front door that wipes the memories of contestants and makes them forget the entire premise of the program that they were well aware of upon applying.  This girl will instantly turn into a trail of mascara tears at the sight of him kissing anyone else.  “Nobody has the connection that [insert Bachelor’s name here] & I do,” said every contestant ever.

7. The one who doesn’t get along with a single girl in the house but it’s obvi not her, it’s them.

“I didn’t come here to make friends” is always the go-to excuse.  But did you come with the intention to make 100% of the other girls call you psychotic, either?  Of course, there is the very slight chance the house is simply full of jealous bitches.  But, typically, when a girl says, “I just don’t usually get along with other girls,” that’s a warning sign.

8. The one who’s “there for the wrong reasons.”

What are the chances that at least half of a group of 20-somethings compiled together are aspiring models, actors, musicians, or all of the above?  Answer: significantly less than the actual percentage within the Bach Mansion.

9. The one who’s willing to get married on Day 1.

Throws around “falling in love” after their first date, which, mind you, is a group date with 11 other women which consists of a bogusly pun-make-able activity, a 15 minute (tops) convo in a hot tub, and a host of cameramen to make the situation as artificial as humanly possible.  It has to be love, though.

10. The semi-normal one.

She seemingly always lasts until the hometowns, solely so ABC will have a popular-enough option to serve as the next Bach-ette.  God forbid the Bachelor actually liked her. TC mark

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