The 10 Guys You Meet On Tinder
1. The One That’s Deceptive.
Go you for getting matched with that seemingly attractive, ostensibly all-American hottie! Better yet, his personality doesn’t entirely suck as much as your other 300 matches that think “DTF?” is a clever opening line. After a decent conversation, he makes the ever-so-bold move to add you as a Facebook friend and that’s when you see it—outside of his five striking solo shots, he’s actually 5’2” and 105 pounds when pictured next to any normal man. Oops.
2. The One That’s An Attention Whore.
The only thing worse than using your Tinder bio as a free advertising platform for your Instagram account is an assortment of selfies to browse among. Flexing in the mirror at the gym, pensive profile shot in the car, boring bathroom snap (approximately 60% of which include a lifted shirt and peek-a-boo at their stomach, if not already completely shirtless)…And of course, they have to include at least one picture with their arm around a hot chick to prove that they don’t actually need a dumb app to pull girls. They’re just in it for the game, like a 21st century slut—I mean, slot—machine.
3. The One That’s Too Much of an Un-Attention Whore.
At least with selfies you can see precisely who you’re dealing with. Don’t expect me to swipe through all seven of your group shots and play a Where’s Waldo game to see who remains consistent throughout the photos. I have better ways to spend my time: like searching for and following every Tinder guy’s Twitter/Instagram accounts because, like, why not?
4. The One That Doesn’t Know the Difference Between Your and You’re.
Can this even be a category if it includes 100% of the Tinder population? Bonus fact: the extreme end of the faultiest grammar guys also use shortcuts like “u” and “r” and typically are the same ones that ask if you like to cuddle.
5. The One That Wants You to Know He’s Outdoorsy.
Picture One: Holding up a fish (also an excuse to be casually shirtless).
Picture Two: Standing in the back of a muddy pick-up.
Picture Three: With a buddy in camo.
Picture Four: Showing off the antlers of a dead deer (Side Note: how endearing when trying to prove to strangers that you’re not a potential Craigslist Killer).
Picture Five: Holding up a fish. Wait, did I already say that?
6. The One That Overshares.
The breezy introduction of “Hey, what’s up?” is quickly offset by his lengthy, TMI reply: “Just got back from the mall! I wasn’t going to go but my mom begged me and said I could get a new shirt from Pac Sun if I helped her pick out a birthday present for her 25-year-old fiancé. It wasn’t too bad though. Also got a free Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Might go to the gym later. Or hang out with friends, I don’t know yet. What are you up to?” FYI, you could’ve said you were watching TV and I would’ve totally believed you and probably not have blocked you after a total of three correspondences.
7. The One That Overshares In His Bio Alone.
I assumed Tinder had a Twitter-like character limit for bios until I found the guy who managed to fit his occupation, school history, favorite quote, life goals, pant size, social security number, and favorite color all into it. What is there to talk about if you can’t open with, “So, what do you do?” Oh wait, I know everything about you already, like that football player in college that I Facebook-stalked for a good six months while he didn’t know my name.
8. The One That You Don’t Remember Swiping Right To.
“Congratulations, you have a new match!” It’s like on Christmas morning when your mom finds a present that she forgot to place under the tree. You may not have gotten the immediate gratification after “heart-ing” someone, but the delayed push notification is always a welcomed surprise—plus, it probably means that he’s less active on tinder than you are, which can never be a negative. But as you open the app with giddy anticipation and bypass the ugly gym selfie awaiting your approval on the home screen, your new match turns out to be…subpar. “I liked him?…Did he always have that ponytail?…Or the “Jesus” neck tattoo?” It must’ve been from that drunken, desperate tinder night three weeks ago when you were wallowing in your sorrow from getting no response from the Yale quarterback that probably regrets/doesn’t remember swiping right to you.
9. The One That Thinks Swiping Right Means You’re Dating.
“You’re the best Tinder match I’ve ever gotten.” Umm, thanks. I just told you I was halfway through a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and catching up on Dance Moms; quite the catch, I know. And don’t even dare waiting more than 25 minutes to respond: “You there?” No, dumbass, your awful individuality prompted me to leave the Tinder life altogether.
10. The One That Doesn’t Fit Into Any of These Categories.
Swipe through 1,000+ guys and you’re bound to find one that will be attractive, hold decent conversation, take you out to dinner, pay for your meal, and make you feel a little better about that fact that you use Tinder. And then he’ll turn out to be the Craigslist Killer.