Five Garments On Sale at Urban Outfitters and The People I Imagine Wear Them

Urban Renewal Men’s Satin Bomber Jacket: Carson wears this to all of his DJ gigs. He says it’s an ironic subversion of our culture of sports fanaticism (even he doesn’t know what this random sequence of words means) but secretly he just wishes he’d gotten onto a sports team, any team, in high school.

Dusen Dusen Button-Up Tank Top: Harper will pretend this shirt is from a thrift store. She does this a lot. She actually did try shopping at Goodwill, once, but then she got bored and went to Jamba Juice instead. It’s just so much easier to use the generous allowance her parents give her to buy faux-vintage at Urban Outfitters and Top Shop and then make up elaborate backstories about them later.

Sparkle and Fade Wanderer Photo Oversized Tee: Ava, a high school freshman, isn’t sure what this quote is from or what it means. What she does know is that wearing a shirt with a deep-sounding quote and eighties-looking chick on the front will make her the toast of the kids who smoke pot behind the school.

The Great Gatsby Tee: Gulliver has never read “The Great Gatsby.” He just wants you to think he’s smart.

DOE Alcohol Impairment Chart Tee: Olivia wants you to know that she drinks – a lot. She’s just a wild party girl, living that crazy college life. Or she would be, if you would invite her to any parties. Please invite her to a party. She’s sick of spending Friday nights watching 30 Rock reruns in her dorm room. TC mark

image – The Great Gatsby


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    I bought the Great Gatsby shirt. I guess I can take it back now.

  • asdfjkl

    The Great Gatsby shirt is on sale? Shit, thanks for the heads up.

  • Erik Stinson

    imagined miley cirus reading this article aloud

  • Uhnonnymus

    If Sports fanaticism and HS are what you associate with bombers you need to meet more men.

  • Greg

    spot on mate

  • Michael Koh

    80's denim jackets

  • A female

    Everything sold at Urban Outfitters is amazingly over-sized, billowy and of course ironic. Your article doesn't state anything unique that the people who purchase clothing at Urban Outfitters aren't already thinking. Maybe now that they've seen it in print form, they'll snap out of it, and stop shopping there. I wish that this store would close, because I have a $25 gift certificate there and I've gone in maybe six times, and I still haven't bought anything, because apparently I'm one of the very few Americans who want their clothes to be fitted.

    • Catt

      It's really too bad you can't afford anything at UO for $25.

      • Assirammmmmm

        lol i wasn't saying that

  • lukebourassa

    “Gulliver has never read “The Great Gatsby.” He just wants you to think he’s smart.” Gold.

    Though, with that said, I kinda want that shirt.

  • Assirammmmmm

    to the lady who has that 25 dollar gift card, you should mail that to me. i love this store.

    i admit a lot of the stuff sucks but there's also a lot of really nice things there too. i wait till the stuff i like is on sale before i buy anything though. a lot of people complain the clothes don't fit right but they're made for skinny people. for once. every other store i go to for every size 1 and xs there's 50 size 11's and XXL's -__-

  • Joseph Ernest Harper

    “Harper” : )

  • Lol

    i came to this website by looking at a clever commentor's comment history, i still come back, i dont know why cause it's really gay

    • hmmm...

      It must be 1995, because you used “gay” as a synonym for “bad” without any sense of remorse or irony.

    • Joseph Ernest Harper

      I legit want/need to be the clever commenter.

  • idk

    i love the names

  • secret

    there is some parts of me who is certainly olivia…..

  • Aguest

    i need more of these lists in my life! please write more.. i really enjoy your articles and ryan's best.

  • Henry

    this is ridiculous. why does this matter? it's clothes. getting cheap thrills from oversimplifying people is for 13 year olds.

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