Five Garments On Sale at Urban Outfitters and The People I Imagine Wear Them
By Jillian Bell
Urban Renewal Men’s Satin Bomber Jacket: Carson wears this to all of his DJ gigs. He says it’s an ironic subversion of our culture of sports fanaticism (even he doesn’t know what this random sequence of words means) but secretly he just wishes he’d gotten onto a sports team, any team, in high school.
Dusen Dusen Button-Up Tank Top: Harper will pretend this shirt is from a thrift store. She does this a lot. She actually did try shopping at Goodwill, once, but then she got bored and went to Jamba Juice instead. It’s just so much easier to use the generous allowance her parents give her to buy faux-vintage at Urban Outfitters and Top Shop and then make up elaborate backstories about them later.
Sparkle and Fade Wanderer Photo Oversized Tee: Ava, a high school freshman, isn’t sure what this quote is from or what it means. What she does know is that wearing a shirt with a deep-sounding quote and eighties-looking chick on the front will make her the toast of the kids who smoke pot behind the school.
The Great Gatsby Tee: Gulliver has never read “The Great Gatsby.” He just wants you to think he’s smart.
DOE Alcohol Impairment Chart Tee: Olivia wants you to know that she drinks – a lot. She’s just a wild party girl, living that crazy college life. Or she would be, if you would invite her to any parties. Please invite her to a party. She’s sick of spending Friday nights watching 30 Rock reruns in her dorm room.