The Ridiculous Responses I Got When I Asked Craigslist To Help Me Find My G-Spot
By Jill Neumann
Every once in awhile I’ll post something in the “Casual Encounters” on Craigslist just to see what kind of a response I get. I still like to conduct these little social experiments from time to time. One, it satisfied the little sociologist in me who still likes to get a taste of what (semi-) random samples are out there (not enough to bust out the SPSS, that is), and two, there are some real amusing comedy gems out there. Some of of the responses I get lead to some great discussion points that too good to keep to myself, so I figured I’d start a Craigslist Chronicle series.
Late last night, I posted the following in Casual Encounters:
Help me find my G-spot – W4M I have never been able to have an orgasm through intercourse. I want someone to help me do that. Help me find my G-spot. I don’t care if you’re a man or woman or couple…. I’m open to all. Write me back and let me know how you can help me with this and why I should choose you.
By 8:30 AM this morning, I had 26 emails. By the end of the day, I’ll have my work cut out for me.
8 hours later.
Well, I’m back early. The most interesting thing that happened was that my CL posting was flagged “by a member of the CL community” for removal. I’m not sure why. There is nothing about the post that violates CL’s terms of use, so I can only guess that a “member” of the “community” decided they didn’t like it and flagged it. Perhaps they thought I was spam. Or not real. Am I real? I mean, I am real. Was I going to take anyone up on their offer? I wasn’t planning on it. But I could have. So the fact that it was flagged at all is annoying.
Anyway, in the few hours it was up I received 41 emails. 18 were what I categorized as “Good,” 12 were “Bragging,” 9 were “Half-Assed” and two were “WTF.” The “Good” emails were actually well thought out and well written, non-pushy and addressed the issue. For example:”Hmmmm… Why you should pick me? Well that’s hard to answer. So I’ll just say this. I like exploring, take my time feeling you out, what you, what you don’t like, where you like it, how you like it. I’ve been able to hit “the spot” now on two girls.
But I’ll be honest, it wasn’t on our first time. I don’t think you have to hit the G to climax, though. The most important things are being relaxed and comfortable with yourself, your playmate, and actually knowing how to let yourself have an O. Let’s talk some more.” Lovely! Relatively normal, straight forward yet not pushy, no bravado nor know-it-all attitude.
While most men (who mentioned their age or attached photos) were considerably older (in their late 40s-late 50s), one was a ripe and eager 19:”Im 19 from the northside of Chicago. I can help you find you g spot easily. For most girls its on the roof of the vagina. I would just have to go up and down the roof till i saw where you were most excited and thats it.” The fact that this baby-faced 19-year old boy knows anything about a woman’s g-spot is wonderful! Perhaps he oversimplifies a bit, but hey, he’s on to something. I also liked the fact that he used the word “vagina” and not something else, like “va-jay-jay,” as another respondent much older than him did. Keep it up, kid. And call me in 20 years; we’ll talk then.
Overall, I was surprised that 44% of the emails were responses that I’d actually approved of and would consider writing back to. But that still leaves the other 56%.
12 men insisted they could help me. As in the “Oh yeah, baby, you just haven’t been with a real man yet, let me describe my cock to you in extreme detail, not only will I make you cum, I will make you have multiple orgasms and will have you squirting all over the place.”
Sigh.
When I see replies like this, I immediately think two things. A) He has watched way too much porn in his life and as a result, B) he probably doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Firstly, not all women are multi-orgasmic or squirters, and no matter how fantastically sexy you and your penis are, it’s just not going to happen like that. You insisting that it will just proves that point right there. So you would not be a good choice. An example:
HELLO THERE IM REPLYING TO UR AD LOL SO YOUVE NEVER HAD A ORGASM ARE U SERIOUS WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE HAVE U BEEN WITH THAT COULDNT SATISFY U LOL IM SO PASSIONATE AND DEVOTED IN TRYING TO MAKE A WOMAN SQUIRT I KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MAKE A WOMAN HAVE A SQUIRTING ORGASM WHY SHOULD U PICK ME WELL IF U WANT TO TRULLY CUM THAN REPLY BACK BELEIVE ME YOU WILL BE CUMING BACK FOR MORE AFTER IM DONE LOL
Yikes! Easy, fella! The caps are jarring. And the lack of punctuation comes off like a rambling psycho. I also don’t quite understand the LOL use here. It adds to the psycho feel, which is not a good thing. Also, the ad didn’t say that I have never had an orgasm. A lot of the responses (even some of the “Good” ones) referred to that (non)fact. Do these guys think that a vaginal orgasm is the only kind of orgasm, or were they just not paying attention to what was in front of them? Considering the source,
I’ll go with the latter.
The two WTF Email Awards go to “Franco,” photographed in a chef’s suit of some sort and pencil mustache, writing simply:
Hey babe, So tell ME…can YoU CoOK?
So, you find my G-spot and I cook for you? Ugh, cooking. I’d rather jam my vibe into my eyeball. No thanks. And I am fascinated with his use of capitalization. At first I thought he was trying to send me a hidden message, but “YUCOK” doesn’t mean anything to me, so if he is, I sure as hell can’t figure it out.
Another gentleman writes:
I bet it’s either the age or you may have an ingrown clit that’s not fully developed. I am a doctor and I may be able to check you out and treat you well.
I have never heard of an “ingrown clit,” but he says he’s a doctor so he must be right! Thank goodness he may be able to treat me. I wonder what the treatment consists of. I just hope it doesn’t involve tweezers.
The nine half-assed responses basically consisted of cut and paste emails with their physical stats and invitations to “hit” them “up” if interested. One simply said: “mmmmmmmmmmmmmm”
It was sent very early in the morning, perhaps he fell asleep on his keyboard.
Other half-assed responses seemed to be typed one-handedly, in the middle of self-coitus:
I help u baby i can find your g-spot how lets do oral first baby.
Perhaps English (or sober) isn’t his first language. Or perhaps he’s related to this guy:
I can halp you if you want I’m 30 y bolnd hair I have wife bat I would like to hafe hat sex with other women. I can go for while and she not.
She not what? She not go for while? Oh, that be shame. But maybe if you stopped having “hat sex” with her and instead tried “vagina sex” she would be more receptive. And definitely please put away your “wife bat.” Threats of spousal abuse is NOT okay, guy.
Seven of the emails included photos. Three were face pics, two were cock shots, one was of a man wrestling a gigantic Marlin (seriously, this is true) and one was of a diagram of a vagina, illustrating the G-spot, which I much appreciated.
Overall, this was a good first time around (though it was cut short). I’m brewing some ideas for some future posts and all suggestions will be considered. Above all, this confirms more than ever that I love the internets.