Christmas is coming. Here’s a helpful timeline for what you can expect on Facebook and in real life over the next few weeks.
December 1st – December 15th
Your Facebook feed will EXPLODE with photos of couples getting their very first tree, and then the finished product in their very first apartment together. Just remember, their place is so far outside of the city that Santa can’t even find it on a map, and those pine needles will linger in their wall to wall carpeting for months. Facebook will also be full of your friends with kids and their adorable first Christmas trees and first visits with Santa, but you’re so far away from that stage in your life that you can just enjoy how precious kids are in their winter coats.
In real life, you probably won’t start dating anyone new. Who has the time? You may also get dumped very soon. You can’t drag things out over Christmas, because then you’re forced to spend New Year’s together. And then Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Woof. You’ll also be the only single person at many, many holiday gatherings. Have fun sitting at the couple’s table. It will be wildly fascinating to find out whose family each couple is spending their holidays with this year.
December 16th – 23rd
Facebook will start filling up with photos of couples all dressed up at the holiday parties they went to. His tie will match her dress. Her bauble necklace will be as sparkling as their smiling eyes. You’ll also see statuses like “Christmas shopping for my honey,” or “Ice skating and tree viewing with the BF,” or my personal favorite, “making the boy watch Love, Actually, so fun!”
In real life, you’ll have nobody to shop for but your family and maybe your office Secret Santa. You’ll go ice skating and tree viewing with your friends, and then you’ll end up watching Love, Actually with only a carton of Kung Pow chicken and weird OKCupid messages to keep you company while what’s his name from The Walking Dead confesses his love for Keira Knightley. Enjoy.
December 24th – December 30th
It’s best to avoid Facebook all together during this period of time. It will seem like every lucky bastard you know went to Jared, every kiss will begin with K, and another round of your friends will be engaged. If you do happen to go on Facebook, don’t comment on these photos. You’ll get a notification of every other person that comments. And it will be a lot. Because, really, everyone should be happy for these newly engaged couples, it’s a nice thing. It’s just that your email inbox will be full of strangers saying congratulations to somebody that’s not you.
You’ll have two kinds of posts tonight. Couples cooking a nice meal and staying in to watch the ball drop, or couples dressed up fancy with champagne glasses and party hats. There may be a few more engagements when the clock strikes midnight. Either way, it will be a lot of people that look like they’re having way more fun than you.
In real life, you’ll be listening to Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt be adorable together. You will not kiss anybody at midnight.
January 1st – January 15th
A whole new crop of singles are going to join online dating, because it’s a new year and it’s about damn time they put themselves out there. Good for you, because you deserve some fresh faces in your matches after surviving another holiday season alone.