I Loved You In A Way That Defied Reason
By Jill Clairo
I loved you in a way that defied reason. I loved you deeply and profoundly and without any regard to the consequence. I loved you without thinking of the future and how our paths would eventually split. I loved you without worrying about our differences.
I ignored your lies and all the warning signs and instead fell for your deep brown eyes and the way that you would use them to look at me in a way that made me feel as though I was more precious than rubies and sapphires. I forgot about all past hurt and I threw myself into our love with reckless abandon. I forgot myself and I forgot the world and all that I saw was our hands interlocked.
I allowed myself to be fully vulnerable with you. I opened myself up completely and let you look within me and take into your hands all of the aspects of my identity that I had previously guarded or hidden completely. I whispered my secrets across the pillow into your ear when all the world had gone to sleep. I showed you my favorite songs and favorite movies and studied your face to see if you would be moved in the same way that I always am. I took you to my favorite places and let you kiss me there.
I took your words and built my home upon them until every part of me was resting upon your foundation. So that when you left me every part of me crumbled to the ground. I was devastated, ruined, ravaged and shattered into a thousand pieces. I tried to pick them up but only cut myself on the sharp edges. You quit my love cold turkey and you left me mid-sentence. Your indifference crashed into me and your apathy drowned me. Your eyes were flat when they looked at me, no longer holding a depth of love and tenderness. I reached for your hand and you gently moved it away. Our love was something hat defied reason, and so was the end of it. The passion that overwhelmed us and filled us daily vanished and I was left as a hollow shell.
“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” — Blaise Pascal
As I had loved you deeply and without reason, so I continued to love you secretly without justification. I internalized my longing and spent all my hours rehearsing the way you used to hold me as I lay alone in my bed. I gathered up blankets and pillows around me and embraced them, desperately trying not to forget the particular shape of your form and the way it would interlock with mine. Every new interaction with you made it a little more clear that you were not made for me yet I continued to let your words engrave themselves on my heart and at night I would run my fingers over them tracing the echo of our love. Without reason I listened to songs about love and loss and would stare up at the ceiling without blinking, as the tears would gently rolled, uninterrupted, down my cheeks.
Though you gave me nothing, I still held onto everything. You caused me insurmountable pain and treated me like a small pebble at your feet that you could kick as you walked along the road leading nowhere. I cannot explain it to anyone when I try and I cannot justify it even in my own mind, for as we loved without reason so I continue to hold you in my heart without reason.