Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of those lock-yourself-in-your-room-and-wallow kinds of heartbreaks. I have gone through these massive explosions of the heart and of the soul from the number of people who decided it would be fun to pull the trigger and kill me inside.
I have learned a whole lot about every heartbreak I’ve had — whether romantic or platonic — and to some extent, I can’t say I’m not thankful all these happened, because as cliche as it sounds, all these made me tougher.
Except I don’t wanna be tougher.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all the heartbreaks I’ve had in my lifetime, it’s shutting people down. It’s building up the sturdiest wall nobody can tear down. It’s reading people’s intentions and knowing exactly when I have to run for my life even before I let anything happen.
And people around me see that as a strength I have to thank every bit of my heartbreak for because I can dodge what’s to come, and everyone thinks that’s the dream.
Except it’s not.
That’s not the dream.
The dream isn’t about thinking that a wall so sturdy is necessary to guard yourself against the bullshit that you start to unintentionally push people away, because what if these people intend to stay?
The dream isn’t about being able to read people’s intentions and knowing exactly when to run away before letting anything happen, because what if the heartbreak they’d be bringing is the heartbreak worth having?
The dream isn’t to dodge heartbreaks. It isn’t about being too careful or too smart or too strong.
The dream isn’t about being totally unbothered whether the person’s staying or going or being indifferent to the possibility that maybe the heartbreaks you’ve had aren’t how heartbreaks were supposed to be.
I wanna have another heartbreak because the heartbreaks I had were not worth it. Because if it was worth it, I wouldn’t be too damn scared of going through another one.
I want a heartbreak that’s going to make me more fearless and curious and human.
I want a heartbreak that’s worth it.
I want to swoon over someone; at least, I want to give that another shot.
I’m not even looking to learn how it is to love and be loved, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned that I’m going to keep for the rest of my existence, it’s the fact that I’ve grown to love myself enough to know what it is.
I don’t wanna presume or assume or jump to conclusions that are mostly right towards anyone who attempts to disrupt and take part in my life.
I wanna figure it out along the way.
I wanna experience it first hand one more time and not rely on my past heartbreaks too much.
I wanna know heartbreaks further because I don’t think all heartbreaks should make people numb and doubting and terrified. I wanna know when these heartbreaks are worth shattering your heart for, because I’d like to think that somewhere out there someone’s actually worth it.
I want a heartbreak because I want to feel.
I don’t wanna be dead inside.