A Eulogy For My Painful Past

past letting go girl in water
Jeremy Bishop

Six hours.

That’s how long it took me to be able to dig a hole six-foot deep. And while I was digging I allowed myself to grieve for six more hours.

Six hours added to all the years I have been grieving, letting you get to me over and over, wallowing in complete darkness as I would find myself bringing you up to justify all the negativity the surrounds me. I allowed myself to grieve for six more hours along with all the painful times I let you haunt me and consume me completely that I could no longer find my way out. Six more hours until I finally decided I have grieved enough.

Because I have grieved enough. And it’s time for you to finally be in your resting place. It’s time for you to finally lose all the powers you have always had over me.

It’s time for you to die, completely.

But before I finally cover this hole I have dug with all the strength I have left and reserved only for you, let me tell you things I have always been meaning to tell you.

I have learned a lot from you – good things. I have learned how strong everyone can be the moment they hit rock bottom. I’ve learned how life will never be all colors and rainbows and unicorns, and that we have no other choice but to face every pain as we struggle to try to get through every bump in the road. I’ve learned how all of us have that very choice to let the past control your present.

And as I contemplate all the things I’ve learned from the harsh realities of my past, I have learned the most important thing about you. I have learned that you, my past, have no control over my present.

All these you taught me will always be in me, and this is the time that I have come to realize I don’t need you anymore.

So, I will no longer be defined by you. I have decided that it’s time for me to move forward and no matter how long it takes me to completely leave you all behind, I will keep moving on and I will never look back, not even a single peek. The nightmares of you will no longer scare me simply because I have grown all my strength through all these times I let you be my company.

I will no longer use you to defend myself and what I have become now. You no longer have the power to get people to judge me with all the mistakes and bad choices I made. I am not any more telling people what happened to me in the past that led me to be the type of a person I am today. Because my present does not depend on you, because my now has nothing to do with you anymore.

I will not allow you to be used against my future, and so I will no longer bring you up to my present. I am no longer consumed by the fear of history repeating itself. I will no longer be terrified to take risks again thinking I am stuck in the pit of you continuously chasing me, pulling me down. I am ready to jump into the unknown and see all the things in store for me, may it be beautiful or ugly, and you no longer have the power to stop me.

You will long be forgotten that people will start to clearly see my tomorrow filled with so much hope and not my yesterday filled with darkness.

Six more hours is more than enough for me to grieve one last time and this is where we go our separate ways. You are finally in the place where you are meant to be placed a long time ago, six-feet under. And burying you along with all the nightmares and storms perfectly crafted to bring out the strength I never knew I have, comes my peace I’ve been waiting for all this time. I have my peace now.

May you rest in peace as well. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

a happy-go-lucky ray of fuckin sunshine.

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