How Buzzfeed Quizzes Are Wreaking Havoc On My Self Esteem

As usual, my workday was going pretty crappily by the time I made my way to Buzzfeed. In desperate need of a break and a little lite fare, I indulged myself in the day’s quiz: “How Much Do You Love Pizza?”  Well, let me start by saying that I fucking love pizza. Nobody loves pizza more than me. If this is what Buzzfeed calls an important in-depth study, then sign me up. I’m gonna ace this. And what’s even better? The quiz consisted of only one question. The ask was that I click on the part of the pizza that I like most. This was a no-brainer. I clicked on the center of the pizza as I prefer the sauce and cheese to the crust. Results: Well, according to Buzzfeed every part of the pizza is most delicious. According to their assessment, I don’t really love pizza. Anyone who knows me would agree that this is total bullshit.

Confidence a little shaken I took a few deep breaths and then tried another. This one was called, “How Cool Are You.” Well, I may not have been captain of the cheerleading team, but I think I’m cooler than the average person. Turns out that just because I prefer to wear my backpack using both straps (hello, I have neck spasms due to overuse of electronic devices) AND I happen to pick up the pace when I’m trying to catch public transportation (Shoot me for valuing promptness) it turns out, that according to BuzzFeed I straddle the line between cool and uncool.

At this point, I’m about to close the Buzzfeed tab when “Which Classic Author is Your Soulmate? caught my eye. Low and behold, I got Langston Hughes. Not sure why. Or who. I had to Google his name. Turns out he’s famous for this quote: “I have discovered in life that there are ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go.” Thanks, Langston. That’s deep. It’s called an airplane. Here’s another gem: “Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” My dream was to get Oscar Wilde.

I really didn’t need this. But a few days later, like a compulsion I went back to face my demons. I embarked upon a discovery to find out “What Typeface is Your Soulmate.” Verdana. I wanted Futura but instead got Futura knock off. Not happy. “What Arbitrary Thing Are You?” Well, according to BuzzFeed, I’m a handful of beans. Thanks, Buzzfeed. You’re a handful of dog anus.

“How Big of a Dick Are You?” Buzzfeed asked. Just because I am not entirely opposed to Nickelback per se, turns out I’m a dick.

At this point, Buzzfeed had my goat. The next quiz up was called How Attractive Are You? This quiz consisted of one question: “What do you think of Buzzfeed?” Dear Reader, based on what you’ve already read, you can probably guess what my answer was to this. Needless to say, my opinion of Buzzfeed wasn’t sky high at this moment. After all, who the fuck do they think they are? Buzzfeed is comprised of nothing more than LOLcats and quizzes that make a person feel unworthy of love, life and skin. I answer with honestly and get back predictably that I’m kinda ugly and am compared to a hungover Steve Buscemi.

Now you might be wondering “Which Girls Character I Am.” Turns out I’m Marnie. Vapid, grating, boring. How dare they? I would rather have Hannah’s ass than be put in the same sentence as Marnie. Then again, I’ve seen Girls and I’m not exactly sure that there was a winning result of this one.