An Open Letter to The One I’ve Hurt

lauren rushing
lauren rushing

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for making you end this relationship. It must have hurt on your part, to let go of someone you truly like, because I’ve been there, not just once or twice, but many times, letting go of those who have hurt me so badly that I actually feel the ache within. I’m sorry for hurting you with all the mixed emotions and signals I was sending to you about this relationship because sometimes I realize that I’ve been hurt so bad that I’m already incapable of fully loving again.

I’m sorry for jumping into things so quickly, without taking the time to let you truly know me, and for me to truly know. I neglected the fact that people are more than who they appear on the surface. I forgot that there are often things hidden beneath the surface that require the key of trust to unlock and reveal. We loved each other, which was undeniable. But you don’t understand me. You don’t know me.

You’ll never know about the dark months I’ve had before meeting you. You’ll never see the fading scars on my wrists when I decided that pain is the best way to remind myself that I’m still alive. You’ll never know about all the times when I was rejected, betrayed and left on my own, when I cry myself to sleep. You’ll never know about how I used to be a lifeless zombie after feeling too much of the same emotion. And that my past influenced the current me, the guarded me who appears always cheerful and enthusiastic. Happy and full of energy. You don’t know that this is merely a wall that I’ve built to block out all those who are superficial, all those that I’ve eliminated from my inner circle.

You didn’t know that when I admitted that I’m an enigma, a code that’s hard to crack, I really wanted you to crack it. I really wanted you to break down all the walls that I’ve built around me, a result of all the hurt that I’ve been taking in all these years. I wanted you to prove to me that I can trust you, that despite my ugly and scarred inside, you were still willing to love me.

But perhaps I expected too much, and forgot to give.

I’m sorry for always being there half-heartedly, for the other half is always masked in self-doubt of whether I am worthy for you. Whether I am worthy of love. Whether I am ready for such a big commitment. And I’m sorry for revealing so little. For holding on to that façade despite being in a relationship, despite advocating for truth, openness and a deeper connection in relationships.

I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss us.

I miss the times we’ve had together, the moments when I relented and revealed little bloody clues about my past. The moments when we actually have that deep emotional connection that I’ve always wanted. I miss the heart-to-heart talks that we’ve had together, revealing the hurt and scarred parts of ourselves. I miss you constantly reassuring me that I am worthy for you and for your love.

I miss your smile. Your laughter.

But I’m still glad.

I’m glad that we were once something. We were once in love, and in a sense this short relationship with you managed to teach me a lot about love, about loving, and about getting hurt. You’ve taught me so much more than the previous heartbreaks and rejections have and you, by leaving me, have, in a way, broke down my walls and helped me open out my heart to whoever that’s out there again.

You gave me hope, you showed me hope, you are hope. And I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that we were once something, once together, once love.

But all relationships must end, sooner or later.

So don’t wait for me. Forget me. Find someone better than me. Someone easier to love, and someone better at loving. Forget about the pain and hurt that I gave you, and be happy with him.

I’ll always remember you.

I’ll always love you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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