Anorexia Doesn’t Love You Back

I told her ‘darling it gets better’ but she didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it either. But it did. One morning I woke up and the world wasn’t dreary. One day I got out of bed and I didn’t think about calling him, or wanting to hear his voice. I didn’t miss him anymore, not the way I used to.

Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make the pain easier to swallow. I wanted her to believe me, she needed to hear the truth. She needed to know that one day she’d wake up to a mouth waiting to kiss her good morning, from a man who has been missing her while she was sleeping. There will be days when she misses the peace and quiet, but watching her children grow will make these mistakes feel like nothing. I wish I could tell her that the pain is only temporary, but if she didn’t stop destroying what he left over she won’t have a heart left to give to the next one.

It’s about control, because it’s the only thing she has left, because he left holes in her heart and she’s still bleeding, I can see it.

So she hides behind bottles and pills till she’s so numb it almost feels better, almost. She makes herself violently sick till all that’s left is skin and bone and the tall boy masquerading as a man in his cheap suit tells her she looks amazing because he’s too busy kissing her collarbones to see that she’s rotting on the inside. But then he leaves in the morning, they all do, and she wakes up to more blood on the sheets and wonders how she’s even still breathing.

Darling, when will you learn to say no? If he doesn’t love you now he won’t learn to love you when you’re 20 pounds lighter.

Don’t fall for all that self improvement bullshit, you’re perfect the way that you are. If he doesn’t love you then throw the flowers out and slam the door in his face, don’t give him a chance to explain why he’s selfish. You keep thinking that this pain is just what lovers go through, but I’m here to tell you that love is never supposed to feel this way. If he doesn’t love you then he’s going to hurt you, just like he promised, but you’re stronger than this, so get up and walk away. Don’t waste your faith on a liar’s breath, don’t let me watch you waste away.

If he doesn’t love you, someone else will. I promise.