You’re getting married soon, I think. I don’t know for sure because we haven’t caught up in a while, but that’s what I heard. You’re getting married soon, to a girl who isn’t me. You’re going to buy a house and have a kid and get a dog or a cat or maybe a fish, all with a girl who isn’t me.
I want to tell you that I’m happy for you. I’m happy because I know what a wonderful man you are. I know firsthand how kind and sensitive your soul is. I know you’ll make her laugh because of the nights I spent laughing with you. I know you’ll make her watch too many horror movies, but you’ll spend the rest of the night comforting her so she’ll forgive you. You’ll make her breakfast in the morning. You’ll watch her do what she loves and you’ll recognize the passion in her eyes. You’ll write her love notes and send her flowers and write poems about your feelings for her. You’ll remind her every day how beautiful, loving, and important she is.
You’ll love her endlessly.
I’m happy because I know that you’re happy, and you deserve to be happy. More than anything, you deserve to be happy.
You deserve a love that is great, and deep, and all-consuming. You deserve this happy ending.
I also want to tell you that I’m sad. You have the miraculous ability to make me so happy and so, so sad at the same time. You’ve always been able to do that. I’m sad because I wish I could have been that happy ending for you. I wish that, when we were together, I wanted to be that happy ending for you. I wish I loved you like you loved me. I wish I could have given you everything that you gave me. I wish I was able to drop my stupid, despondent bad boy fetish for just one moment in time to appreciate you for the genuine, loving, trustworthy man that you are. I was selfish. And when we ended things, it wasn’t because I didn’t care about you, or because I didn’t love you. It was because I couldn’t be selfish anymore. Your love was unlike any love I’d been given; it was authentic and full of life. It was everything a girl dreams of having as a young girl.
You deserve for that to be reciprocated. You deserve somebody who won’t be selfish.
We always called each other “Sunshine.” I remember you telling me one night that I was your sunshine; my smile got you out of bed every morning and my laugh is what kept you going throughout the day. I didn’t understand how that could be possible. I would think to myself, I can’t make myself smile most of the time. How can I be expected to get somebody out of bed every morning with it? When I called you sunshine in return though, I meant it. You are the epitome of sunshine; you always have been. You’re positive, you’re uplifting, you bring love and light to every life you touch. You’re going to be a wonderful father.
It’s simple really: I’m too fucked up for you. My obsession with self-destruction stopped me from ever giving you the level of love and attention that you deserved. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry to have hurt you. If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be the way that I hurt you.
But if breaking your heart was the only way to ensure your eventual happiness, that’s why I did it.
That’s why I’m happy for you now. Your happiness is all that I ever wanted.
One last thing: Thank you. Thank you for showing me that I’m worth being loved. To this day, you are the one man who has shown me love and appreciation and trust. You are the one person who gives me hope that love can exist. Before you, I never dated anybody who valued me, or cared about me even remotely. It was always casual. Or it wasn’t, but he was. I believed I wasn’t worth loving. I believed love just wasn’t meant for someone like me. I believed in every flaw, but it was your compliments that threw me. You telling me that I was beautiful wasn’t a small thing to me. It was special, because no one had ever told me that before. No one ever bothered to care if I felt loveable or not. So thank you for trying. I still don’t believe those kind things that you said to me, but it’s nice to know that they’re out in the universe somewhere. It’s nice to know someone cares.
I hope we can stay in each other’s lives, in one way or another. I’ve told you that before, I think. But if not, I wish you a full life. I wish you a happy marriage, and a beautiful child, and a life so full of love. I wish you everlasting sunshine.