I Finally Learned How To Walk Away From You

It has been 9 months since you left me broken and confused. You wanted me to quit grad school but didn’t want to. I did not want to throw away all the hard work I have put in. I asked you to wait for me for 7 more months until graduation, to please be more patient with me. But you told me you want to break up, that you need it. I told you that I didn’t want to, that we can fix things and work it out. If you could just listen and wait for me a little bit more. But, I realized I can’t make you listen anymore, I wanted to stop fighting with you but fight for you, for us, so I thought that I should let you have your space, hoping you’ll finally come back to me.

I asked help from everyone I know that you may probably listen to, your mom, your guy best friend, your religious confidante, your so called “friends”. For weeks, we talked like nothing changed, I gave you the space that you needed, but somehow, it was still my fault. I did not fight enough for you, I was happy in photos without you, I was enjoying life without you. I waited for you, continued to be patient with you. I didn’t talk to other guys and whenever I get asked out, I would always say no. I waited for you to finally stop being mad and be ready to come back.

Two weeks after you told me that I should fight harder for you, you called to tell me about a girl from the office. It broke my heart and my spirit. How can you move on so fast? How could you probably be seeing another girl? You said it was my fault, that if I just went home last December, this wouldn’t have happened, you wouldn’t have another girl.

You did not want to say who she was or how she entered the picture. I searched for clues through photos and I noticed a photo missing: a photo of you with whom you called “young girls” from the office. I asked you why that photo is missing and you said it doesn’t really matter and those girls are not working with your team anymore so I shouldn’t worry. Only to find out, after just a couple months, that your new girl is exactly that 21-year-old, fresh graduate and newly hired young girl you said I shouldn’t worry about. That you two have known each other since September: the month I left for school. It made me wonder how long has this been going on? Did she influence you in wanting to break up? Are the rumors circulating in your office that they noticed you two were getting “extra close” with each other months before the break-up true? Did you break up with me for her?

But all you did was blame me for it. That me pursuing grad school made you feel inadequate. I looked happy in photos while you are in a self-imposed isolation. That if you were enough, I shouldn’t have left for school. That I could not wait for you to give me “my dream” so I pursued it on my own. That I did not need to contribute to our future because you just needed me there beside you.

For you, it was all my fault. Maybe it’s my fault for expecting commitment and loyalty from a man I have been with for 7 years, the man I planned a future with, the man that I was supposed to marry after my graduation.

You threw away 7 years of being together through all the ups and downs because you can’t wait for 7 more months because you prefer the girl who is 7 years younger than me. Funny, I remember how 7 is your favorite number.

It was my fault because every time something is missing from her, I let you come back to me. You tell me that you miss me, that you made a mistake, and it gave me hope every single time. A hope that you’d finally realize my worth and come back to me. You have no idea how much it hurts me when you turn hot and cold and the worst part is that you don’t care at all because you’re too busy getting what you want from me and your new girl.

I waited all this time till you finally said to me that I never really loved you. That I only loved being your girlfriend and not you. Somehow after 7 years, I didn’t love you. That’s when I realized that I should stop, pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and walk away.  As a matter of fact, I should’ve just walked away when you could not give me loyalty and respect that I deserve.