1. Three years of misery, two STDs, and one empty bank account.
“If your parents had named you DICKHEAD (to reflect your TRUE personality) instead of Tom, I would have heeded that red flag and SAVED myself from 3 years of misery, 2 STDs, AND an empty bank account.”
2. I heard you shamelessly farting away on the toilet.
“The first time you spent the night I heard you shamelessly, farting away on the toilet!”
3. You couldn’t get it up, then started howling like a wounded dog.
“You couldn’t get it up, then ran to your bottle of vodka & guzzled like it was water. You then passed out in a chair, after howling like a wounded dog for an hour. Oh Lord, was I glad to see you leave.”
4. You made me sit on a coffee can when I had diarrhea.
“You made me sit on a coffee can for 2 hours, in the truck canopy, on the way home from the mountains, because I had diarrhea and you didn’t want the seats ruined.”
5. You always put your mother first.
“You always put your mother first. For her birthday dinner you baked lasagna and chocolate cake. For my birthday dinner you opened a can of franks and beans.”
6. You took a 20-minute dump during our first date.
“After 20 minutes, I saw you emerge from a Port-A-Potty (for a construction crew) across from my house. Your lack of couth turned our first date into our last date. Take care of that ‘business’ at home.”
7. You could afford to gamble away $500, but you said you couldn’t afford to buy cinnamon.
“You insisted we couldn’t afford cinnamon, but you had no trouble unloading $500 at the casino the following weekend.”
8. My friend busted you at Frederick’s of Hollywood.
“Remember shopping at Frederick’s of Hollywood? The lady ‘from Italy’ is really my coworker Barbara. Her Gucci bag is really a camera & she got great footage of you and the whore buying clearance panties.”
9. You cheated on me with your neighbor.
“Because you cheated on me with your neighbor and then said: ‘Just being a good neighbor, honey.”
10. You chose me over a pee-stained mattress.
“I forced you to choose between me or the pee stained mattress… I lost.”
11. You stopped talking to me.
“Because after two years together you just stopped talking to me, saying I would eventually figure it out that it was over.”
12. You don’t like to read.
“I asked if you liked to read. You replied, ‘What? Like books? No.’”
13. You would cum inside me when I told you to pull out.
“Whenever you were drunk you would finish inside me when I repeatedly told you to pull out.”
14. You used a Playstation 3 controller on me as a vibrator.
“Because under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to use a Playstation 3 controller as a vibrator on me. Ever.”
15. I caught you peeking at Trixie the Whore.
“I caught you peeking at our neighbor, Trixie the Whore, through the curtains in your brother’s filthy trailer, with dad’s binoculars in one hand, and a bottle of Thunderbird in the other.”
16. Your other chick friends were your priorities.
“Because you thought all your other chick friends were your priorities. Makes sense since I dumped you and you hooked up with one the next day.”
17. The sex was vanilla.
“Because you ignored my needs and made me feel insecure and worthless. And the sex was vanilla.”
18. You bailed on our daughter three times.
“Because you bailed on our daughter not once, not twice, but three times. And I’ll never be able to trust you, an emotionally stunted manchild.”
19. You stole and broke my heart.
“Because you cheated and had twins with another woman. You stole & broke my heart.”
20. You were too controlling.
“Because you told me that the only men I was allowed to have in my life were the ones I was related to. And you.”
21. You lost ambition and courage.
“Because you made me your everything but neglected yourself and lost ambition and courage. You treated me well but I wasn’t right for you.”