i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…
i got kicked out of Barnes and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star…
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out…i went into my mom’s room to say goodnight and i don’t remember anything…she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes “whats so funny?” and i go “there are 7 people sitting on my knees” and she goes “doesn’t that hurt?” and i said “no we’re sitting in a bowl” and then i capped it off and said “join the crazy train bro” and passed out.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At McDonald’s last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, “YOU MCFUCKED UP.”
Renamed my iPod as ‘the titanic’ so when I plug it in it’s says ‘the titantic is syncing.’
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I’m buying the engagement ring tomorrow
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I’m sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled “5 second rule” and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!…..yeah kinda awkward
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you’re making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me… then slapped my ass and told me “back to business”… im gonna marry him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said “oh, you’re hot.” and went back to sleep.
He literally didn’t stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don’t know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital….when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home