1. HI—I’M A RAGING WHORE
“I was at a party and hanging around in a circle when this girl I’d never met said that any woman who had sex with more than three partners before marriage is a whore. I reached out my hand and said, ‘Hi—I’m a raging whore. Pleased to meet you!’ You should have seen her face!”
2. ISN’T IT TIME YOU DIED?
“I went to a friend’s wedding all alone and her mom asked me, ‘Isn’t it time you got married?’ I rolled my eyes and said, ‘Uh, isn’t it time you died?’ Needless to say, me and her daughter are no longer friends.”
3. DADDY’S GIRL GETS HER REVENGE
“This girl in my yoga class once told me that all feminists have a daddy complex. I got my dad to call her and tell her that he didn’t like what she said about my daughter! Burn!”
4. I TOLD HER THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED
“In college I took a volleyball class with one of these MRA-sympathizing ‘Women Against Feminism’ types. She said that men have no abortion rights and no rights not to pay child support. I told her that she should have been aborted. She didn’t take that very well.”
5. SHE SHOULD BE FORCED TO GIVE BACK HER VAGINA CARD
“OMG, where do I even start? OK, she said we don’t live in a rape culture because there are already laws against rape, and that proves that the culture is against rape. How do you even argue with that ish? She also said it’s Impossible for a wife to be raped. She said some women are asking for it by the way they dress. And she also said the difference between ‘rape’ and ‘seduction’ all depends on whether she’s attracted to the guy. Barf! This woman was such a rape enabler, she should be forced to give back her vagina card. So I looked her right in the eye and told her that I lost my virginity when my uncle raped the shit out me at age 14. She sort of looked away and said, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.’”
6. HER IDEA OF A PERFECT FEMINIST WAS…SARAH PALIN
“I had to work in an office with this anti-choice, anti-birth control, anti-gay, pro-Republican, pro-gun, pro-hatred asshat. In other words, she was against all the good stuff and in favor of all the bad stuff. She told me that her idea of the perfect feminist was Sarah Palin because she was a ‘self-made woman.’ And that a woman isn’t a true woman unless she has a family and a career. So I told her that I’m a single career woman—does that mean I’m not a true woman? She said, ‘No, you’re nice, I like you, I’m just talking about all the others.’ It was like her way of saying I’m one of the ‘good’ ones.”
7. GLASS CEILING OR GLASS WINDOW?
“A female friend of my boyfriend’s once said—with a straight face, mind you— that when it comes to equal pay and women in the workplace, there’s no such thing as a glass ceiling. I felt tempted to shove her out a glass window. Instead, I just asked her what she did for a living. She said she was unemployed. ‘Figures,’ I said.”
8. A JEWISH FEMINAZI?
“I worked in this horrible suffocating office where the woman in the cubicle next to mine listened to right-wing radio all day and once called me a feminazi. I told her it was impossible for me to be a Nazi because I’m Jewish. She then went on this long boring rant about how she supports Israel.”
9. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER FACE WHEN I TOLD HER I’M GAY
“I was once stuck on a four-hour Greyhound bus ride seated next to a woman who started chatting me up like we’d been BFFs all our lives. In the midst of, I don’t know, some dumb conversation about something dumb, she said that women become lesbians because they’re ugly and no men aren’t would want them them. She sort of gave me a knowing nudge like we were both far too attractive to be lesbians. If you want to see an ugly face, you should have seen hers when I told her I’m gay.”
10. I THINK I HATE YOU NOW
“I was working as a server at a sports bar when one of the other waitresses told me she hates women who don’t take their husband’s last name when they get married. I said, ‘So you hate me, then?’ She said, ‘No, no, I actually like you.’ I said, ‘That’s nice, but I think I hate you now.’”