1. COME OVER, HAVE SEX, AND LEAVE

“The perfect woman likes to come over, have sex, and leave. I have no patience anymore for any of the baggage that comes with love and relationships. That’s kid stuff. Just come over, bang, and leave. Perfection.”

—Alex

2. ONE WHO STAYS IN WITH ME ON FRIDAY NIGHT AND ORDERS A PIZZA

“When I was 25, the perfect girl would want to go out partying on a Friday night. Now the perfect girl would want to stay in with me on a Friday night. The perfect girl at twenty-five would walk through three feet of snow just to go out partying or see some stupid band. The perfect girl at 35 would stay inside, open a box of wine, and order a pizza.”

—Jorge

3. AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

“The older I get, the more willing I am to have sex with older women. I know that sounds sad, and it is. So the older I get, basically the ‘perfect girl’ is any woman who’s willing to have sex with me. Weep for me, will you?”

—Mykel

4. THE FUNNIER THEY ARE, THE BETTER THEY ARE IN BED

“In my 20s, the perfect girl to me was the prettiest girl. I think all guys think that way at 25. But now the perfect girl is the funniest girl. Why? Because the funnier they are, the better they are in bed. This is a rule of nature and I’m sure one day they’ll figure out how to prove it scientifically. Don’t go for the pretty girl, go for the one who’ll make you laugh. Your dick will thank me for it.”

—Justin

5. B-U-S-H

“There’s only one minor detail that’s changed in my vision of an ideal woman over the past ten years: Whereas I preferred my women shaved clean back then, now she has a big thick Jimi Hendrix style bush. A bush big enough to plant tomatoes in. A bush so three-dimensional, I can pick her up by it and walk her around the room like she’s a human tote bag. You know how a lot of girls think beards are hot? Well, I feel the same way about bushes. So, yeah—nothing has changed except now I’m all about the bush. That’s B-U-S-H in case you need me to spell it.”

—Freddie

6. ONE WHO’S GOOD AT PILLOW TALK WHILE I’M FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE I JUST SHOT MY LOAD

“At 25 it was more important to me that a girl was good in bed. Now it’s more important that she knows how to hold a conversation when you’re done having sex. I mean, I’m going to fall asleep shortly after I cum anyway, so I might as well fall into slumber while having a nice chat.”

—Curtis

7. SOUTHERN GIRLS—BECAUSE THEY SMELL LIKE TOBACCO

“The main thing that changed in my life over the past ten years is that I moved down South and developed a strong taste for Southern girls. They’re sweeter, more feminine, usually more voluptuous, they looooooove to fuck, and they have that Southern drawl it puts me over the finish line every time. And they all smell like tobacco. Every last one of them. I’m not even kidding. But it’s cool, because I love the smell of tobacco.”

—Jimbo

8. THEY’RE ALL WOMEN; I WANT THEM ALL

“The perfect lady at 35 is one who accepts my erectile dysfunction without mocking it like most younger girls would. On the rare occasions that I’m barely able to get it up, the perfect woman would also accept my severe premature ejaculation problem without making fun of it, whereas any 25-year-old girl would have smeared my reputation across town. Just kidding! I don’t know. I don’t see a difference. They’re all women. I want them all, just like I did when I was 25. Except for my mom, because that would be weird.”

—Joel

9. ONE WHO LOOKS TOWARD THE FUTURE RATHER THAN LIVES IN THE MOMENT

“I’ve been with the same girl for seven years and married to her for five. When I met her I was basically just looking for a banging girl who was smart enough and really fun to hang out with. But now it seems that the more I focus on my career, the needier she gets emotionally. It’s like she can’t stand me paying attention to anything but her. Mind you, she’s no different than when we met—but I am. I love her I guess, but the main reason I’m still married is that I don’t feel like forking over 50% of my assets to her, because she’s not the one who earned them. I feel stuck. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have looked for a serious girl who looked toward the future rather than a fun girl who lived in the moment.”

—Marcus

10. IT’S STILL THE SAME GIRL

“The perfect girl? It’s the same woman it was when I was 25, only she’s ten years older now and we’re still married.

—Nate