The 19 Worst Types Of Kissers

iStockPhoto.com / Jonah_M
iStockPhoto.com / Jonah_M

1. MR. SALAMI BREATH

Guys, nothing dries us ladies up quicker than bad breath. We were willing to take it all the way into the bedroom with you until you opened your mouth and it smelled like someone took a shit in it. Remember—toothbrushes are your friend! As are Plackers! And mouthwash! And breath mints right before kissing! Why on Earth didn’t your mother tell you this?
beetlejuice

2. THE CANNIBAL

This is the guy who seems like he’s trying to eat your face rather than kiss you. He’s way too rough, his mouth is way too open, and he’ll sometimes bite your lip or tongue hard enough to draw blood. If he draws blood, kick him in the balls and then tell him to apologize—in that order.
beetlejuice

3. HELICOPTER TONGUE

He shoves his mossy tongue into your mouth and then swirls it around rapidly like a helicopter propeller. It’s almost like he treats your mouth and throat like they’re a clogged drain and his tongue is a plumbing snake. If he tries this move or any variation of it, disengage, laugh in his face, and say, “What the hell was that?” Trust me—he will be shamed into going softer.
beetlejuice

4. COLD TONGUE

I don’t know if there are medical explanations for this, but every so often you run across a guy whose tongue feels like a body that’s just been rolled out of a morgue freezer. Beware the cold tongue—it is not your friend. Tell him to drink a warm beverage or something.
beetlejuice

5. NO TONGUE

Maybe they hate the French or something, but there are guys out there who don’t realize that you’re supposed to open your mouth and use your God-given tongue at some point in the kissing process. No tongue is almost as bad as too much tongue.
beetlejuice

6. MR. DRY LIPS

If I wanted to kiss a pair of dry, cracked, scaly, reptile lips, I’d buy an iguana. Use some Vaseline or at least some Chapstick, dude.
beetlejuice

7. THE JACKHAMMER

Once your mouth is open, he’s jabbing inside it with his tongue it at a feverish pace of 200 thrusts per minute. This is when you exit his embrace and call his mother to tell her that her son is a terrible kisser.
beetlejuice

8. THE GRUNTER

Why do guys make sounds when they’re kissing? More specifically, why do they make piglike grunts like they’re sitting on the toilet trying to squeeze out a dry turd? Fellas, at the very most, all we should hear from you is a soft “mmmmm” while you’re kissing us—anything beyond that is gross.
beetlejuice

9. THE PECKER

Your entire face is his bird feeder, and his lips are his beak. He pecks at your lips and your cheeks and your nose, expecting you to find it pleasurable rather than ridiculous. We did NOT fight the Civil Rights movement so that women’s faces would be used like bird feeders!
beetlejuice

10. THE FACE-LICKER

Great—you’re dating a very affectionate Rottweiler! If a man ever tries licking your face—whether seriously or in jest—roll up a sheet of newspaper and bop him on the nose with it.
beetlejuice

11. THE NOSE-LICKER

I once had a guy stick his tongue up one of my nostrils and just let it sit there for about 10 seconds. There was no second date.
beetlejuice

12. THE DROOLER

We don’t want your mouth to be as dry as beef jerky, but then again, no girl likes to feel like she’s that little sink at the side of your dentist’s chair that you’re always rinsing and spitting into. Keep your saliva at a manageable level, boys. Drooling is only cute when bulldogs and babies do it.
beetlejuice

13. EYES WIDE OPEN

There are few things creepier than kissing a guy for a long time, only to open your eyes and realize he’s been staring at you the whole time. Peeping Toms are bad enough, but they’re worse when they have their tongue in your mouth. Close your eyes—you’re scaring us!
beetlejuice

14. THE TALKER

Protip: When we’re locking tongues, it’s really hard to understand what you’re saying. There’s a simple remedy for this: SHUT THE HELL UP WHEN YOU’RE KISSING US.
beetlejuice

15. THE TEETH-BUMPER

Not sure why any man on this planet thinks it’s erotic to smash his teeth up against yours like he’s trying to break them, but these men exist! I know—from horrible personal experience. Keep your teeth to yourself—clacking them against mine just makes me want to hurt you.
beetlejuice

16. THE DENTAL ASSISTANT

This is the dude who runs his tongue all over your teeth, gums, under your tongue, and on the roof of your mouth like he’s searching for food particles. Tell him you are perfectly capable of flossing; if he doesn’t get the hint, spit in his mouth.
beetlejuice

17. BRILLO BEARD

Beards are fine up to a point—and that point is where it’s so bushy and thick and wiry that you can’t even get to his soft lips. Trim that shit, man.
beetlejuice

18. THE TONGUE-SUCKER

I will never know why God created men who think it’s a turn-on for them to suck your tongue into their mouths almost as if, you know, they’re sucking on a dick. That’s what dicks are for—if you want to suck one, go do it. But I have a tongue, not a dick. Don’t suck it.
beetlejuice

19. THE LUNG-SUCKER

He clamps his lips onto yours, makes sure there’s an airtight seal, and then starts inhaling your entire face as if he’s an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner trying to swallow your lungs. If he sucks your lungs, he will suck as a boyfriend. Begone with him! TC mark

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  • https://cupidchroniclesblog.wordpress.com/ littlelotte7

    ROTFL, this is SO true!!! I’ve had the helicopter tongue and the drooler, don’t know which one was more annoying/a turn off. I don’t know why guys think kissing is a race?! Seriously, slow the F down. 😆😖

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