1. Our vaginas stay the same size no matter how much sex we’ve had.
I was once with a guy who was quite average in size but was somehow convinced he was totin’ some heavy lumber between his legs. More than once he expressed concern that if we had too much sex, he’d stretch my vagina out to the point where sex would no longer be pleasurable for him. I gently clasped his hand, looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Trust me—your penis is not capable of stretching me out.” He took it as an insult, even though it’s a medical fact. Still, I’m glad he took it as an insult.
2. No, we don’t pee from our vaginas.
After having unprotected sex with a guy who came inside her without even asking, my friend was told it’s all right because all she has to do is pee, and she’ll flush all the sperm out of her vagina. Listen closely, gents: Women have THREE holes down there, not two. There’s the anus, the vagina, and….(drum roll)…the urethra! The urethra is between the clitoris and the vagina, and that’s where we pee from.
3. Yes, you can be on the pill and still get your period.
Another girlfriend of mine was with a guy who deserves the Lifetime Moron Award. She was on birth control, so they constantly had unprotected sex—including ejaculation. Then one day she said she didn’t feel comfortable having sex because “Aunt Flo” was visiting, and he was outraged. He told her that the pill prevents women from having periods, so she must have been lying, and so she was probably pregnant with his baby. Uhh…dude? The fact that she’s having her period means she’s NOT pregnant. So you’re either sterile, or she was telling the truth and is on the pill. Your choice. I’d go with the latter just to salvage your self-esteem.
4. You can also be on your period and still get pregnant.
Sperm, those pesky little tadpoles, can stay alive for up to five days inside a woman. So depending on what stage of her menses she’s in and how hardy those tadpoles are, it’s possible to impregnate us while we’re still bleeding—but not if we’re on the pill!
5. Foreplay should last more than four seconds.
We aren’t frozen TV dinners you can pop in the microwave and heat up in two minutes. On average, it takes a woman around 20 minutes to get aroused enough to achieve orgasm. This means a lot of kissing…and whispering…and nuzzling…and touching…and tasting. Many of you guys are so focused on dessert, you skip the appetizer and the main course—and we wind up hungry.
6. Hair grows on other places besides our heads.
I wish this wasn’t a true story, but it is—a girlfriend of mine was preparing for a medical procedure where she wasn’t allowed to shave anywhere—anywhere—below the waist for two weeks. Her boyfriend was shocked to find that hair was suddenly growing everywhere—especially in her pubic region. He’d watched so much porn—where it seems like a requirement that you have to have at least ten daily Brazilian waxes—he didn’t even know that women grew pubic hair. That’s one of Dante’s Seven Levels of Dumb right there.
7. It’s not “that time of the month”—you’re just being annoying, and we’re responding.
Yes, we’re hormonal creatures, and yes, putting out an issue of our “monthly magazine” is often an arduous task, but if you really want to see us get moody, try and “Megyn Kelly” us by blaming our irritation on our female body rather than your insufferably douchey behavior. Nine times out of ten, we’re moody because of your unthinking, inconsiderate behavior. The tenth time, yes, it’s PMS. So you’re batting one for ten.
8. When we like the way you’re doing it, DON’T change the speed or the method or the pressure!
This is something that ALL of my girlfriends have mentioned! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Let me try an analogy—say you’re a comedian, and you’re just killing the audience with knock-knock jokes. You hear their laughter, so you stupidly make the decision to switch to puns instead. This is the equivalent of when we’re having sex and we loudly moan to you something like OH YES or RIGHT THERE, and for God knows what reason, you suddenly start doing something else. Let me explain: OH YES and RIGHT THERE means KEEP DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE DOING, AND DON’T YOU DARE STOP!
9. Our boobs aren’t punching bags.
Yes, we realize you like boobs. We like boobs, too. When I used to work at a bar, all the waitresses were constantly looking at and playing with one another’s boobs back in the dressing room. The difference between men and women is that women have boobs and often play with our own, so we know exactly how much pressure is too much. That’s why we don’t pinch each other’s nipples like we’re trying to vigorously rip a bottle cap off a Diet Coke. Touch them gently, or you don’t get to touch them at all. You only get one warning.
10. We get colder than you do.
Scientific studies have shown that women’s hand temperature is on average about three degrees colder than men’s hands. I also suspect there is a silent conspiracy to keep the glass ceiling intact by freezing women out of offices. So after we’re done making love and you’ve rolled over rather than cuddled, DON’T YOU DARE take all the blankets with you, or we’ll call your mother and tell her what you said about her.
11. The fact that our nipples are hard doesn’t necessarily mean we’re aroused.
It could just mean that we’re cold. And that’s why I’m calling your mother to tell her what you said about her.
12. No, we don’t get “shrinkage” when we go swimming.
We’ve probably all seen the Seinfeld episode where George goes swimming and then suffers significant penile “shrinkage.” During pillow talk late one night a man whom I regret ever knowing or letting into my life gently suggested that we have sex right after I went swimming. He figured I’d be much “tighter.” Rest assured, he never got the chance to test-drive his little theory. And believe me, it was little.
13. We will immediately dry up at the very sound of the word “moist.”
We are well aware that sex involves all kinds of bodily fluids, which by necessity implies that there will be moisture involved. During foreplay, our vaginal lips are indeed prone to becoming moist. But if you say the word “moist,” we will kick you out of bed and call a Uber for you before you even get the chance to apologize. I’m not sure what it is, but for women, the word “moist” is the sexual equivalent of nails on a blackboard.
14. No, we can’t get pregnant from anal sex.
It happened about four years ago, but every time me and the girls have a night out, we still tell the story of the one guy who told my friend he wouldn’t have anal sex with her while she was ovulating because “it’s all one big hole, and it’s all interconnected.” The only big hole in the equation was the one inside his head.
15. No, you really can’t tell when we’re having orgasms.
I’ll make one exception to this. If you have one finger hooked inside us in a “come hither” motion while you’re going down on us and we happen to have an orgasm, you will probably be able to feel the contractions with your finger. But otherwise—trust us—you have no idea. Some guys are certain you’re faking it when you aren’t, and some are so overconfident that they think you’ve had multiple orgasms when you haven’t been within a hundred miles of coming close. And what’s worse—not only can’t you tell, but you can never trust us to be honest about it either way.