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You’re Allowed To Be Sad When He Goes Back To Her Even Though You Were The ‘Other Woman’

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Xavier Sotomayor

If there is anything we need to learn before we get to a stable point in our lives, it’s that the other woman never prevails, people act on temporary feelings, and being curious almost always leads to trouble.

I don’t think anyone who ends up with a guy in a relationship ever sets out to be ‘that girl’. I think they either don’t care either way or maybe they’re just looking for a familiar place, something that is or was close to the home that left them. It isn’t an excuse, but maybe it was her last shot in believing in fate and everything happens for a reason and why else would this happen now. It happened because you let it, and the phrase curiosity killed the cat is truer than it’s ever been. You will sit there and read articles on being that girl and before you know it you won’t feel so bad anymore because it’s not so messy anymore. In the beginning, ignoring the fine print, it was a mess. It was a mess and it sucked. Sometimes people make this mistake over and over before they realize it will always be just that: a mistake. Feel overjoyed you only had to do it once to know that it will never work out in your favor.

Nothing immoral does. You will never win. In the end, he isn’t going to be with you and just because he acted like he cared about your feelings and ‘left her to be with you’ doesn’t mean he was sincere. You ignored all the little tiny remarks and all the subtle signs that he just doesn’t really care either way, and you lost a good friend in the midst of all of it. Two, even. I’m not saying he won or she won, but I’m saying you lost. Before you even think about acting on it, you have to realize that just because he was your friend first, doesn’t mean you are any different than any other ‘friend’ he’s had. You may have said no for almost 4 years now but you ended up saying yes and you ended up believing that because it’s you, things are different. This isn’t fate and the stars aren’t aligning, you’re being stupid and you should put your pants back on and go home. I know that you love him, that you guys have seen and walked through so much in the few years you’ve known each other, but he is who he is, and your feelings and your heart are not worth the risk when you already know it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Don’t act on temporary feelings and change the entire dimension of your friendship around.

I know that you’re lonely and you’re searching for something familiar and maybe he is the closest thing to what you lost but he can’t fix it and he can’t save you and he isn’t what you’re missing. You’re missing the worth and the confidence you had before someone just like him took you and broke you down until you dwindled into nothing. I know your heart hurts and the attention feels good and when you’re drunk you can feel human every once in awhile but what you think you feel for him isn’t real, he’s just the closest thing your subconscious can find that will replace what you’ve lost. Don’t let it trick you into thinking your invisible fairy Godmother had this whole thing planned out and this was a good opportunity that took time. It didn’t take time – all it took was a few drinks and one single stupid decision. You should know by now that the problem isn’t you, it’s him. It’s always been him so don’t blame yourself. For everyone you open your heart too, there will be one more person to shut it out, remember that. Remember that people don’t ever really change unless they gain something from it but it’s only temporary, just like the feelings you thought you could’ve had.

Loneliness sometimes tries to make our decisions for us, so learn to fill yourself with so many things that lonely can’t catch up to you, no matter how fast it runs. If at one point you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is choosing between you and another person, I hope you tell them to go back to where they came from. The fact of the matter is, him leaving his girlfriend to come back to the bar to see you is a reflection of his character and you feeding into it doesn’t mean anything other than the fact that he’s always going to be bored, always going to be looking for something more, and you are just another stop in his path.

So when he tells you he came back for you, tell him to turn around, tell him you’re sorry, and never talk to him again.

Don’t lower your standards and abandoned your morals for someone who chose you second. Turning yourself into that girl you never were or wanted to be is not worth the trauma of hiding in his bathroom while she walks into his house in the morning to collect her things. It is not worth the immense amount of guilt you will both inevitably feel and it isn’t worth questioning why when you already know the answer.

The other girl never wins, and she will ultimately be the one left with the mess to clean up while the two of them are doing things that couples do because they actually mesh when they’re sober, not just when they’ve been drinking and the alcohol reminds you of how miserable you actually are. This is one fight you are not going to win, so lay down your gun, learn your lesson and stay at home for awhile so you can give people a chance to forget what you did, even if you never will. Remind yourself to teach your daughter the same lessons you’ve learned. Remind yourself that you’re not wrong for being sad because what he did was low and shady, but also remind yourself to take responsibility and realize that somethings are better left unsaid, such as the fact that you ever wondered what it might be like to be with him.

There are some people who have a very strong intuition and an ever stronger will to listen to it. There are also some people who have the same strong intuition but seldom take it to heart. Please keep in mind that this will leave you broken, ashamed, and wishing upon a star that you could go back in time. The phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’ is famous (or infamous, rather) for a reason. It’s because it’s true. Just because you see something you think you like, doesn’t mean you must have it. I promise that it will not be the only good thing you ever see again, even if you feel like it might be. Not to mention the fact that he probably isn’t a good thing and what on earth makes you keep thinking you can change these guys who after twenty-two plus years, their parents have even stopped trying? I cannot tell you exactly what he wants but I can promise you that neither of you are going to give it to him. I can promise you that you didn’t even really want to in the first place, the fleeting moment of comfortability mixed with a little drunken curiosity eventually got the best of you, and again, you found yourself dealing with something you never planned for, to begin with. I’m not asking you to turn your heart to stone because we both know that will never happen.

It’s in your gene pool, it’s on your sleeve, it’s in your zodiac sign, and not one horoscope is going to give you a different answer than the one you already know but are afraid to admit—but be gentle with it because you can’t find what you want if you’re always broken.

It doesn’t matter how many planets retrograde or how many times someone makes you feel like your world stopped spinning, no one is going to be able to give you anything you want until you learn to do it yourself, and feeding into the curiosity that is men who are bad for you will only hinder you. Don’t try to be his friend, he didn’t deserve that from the very first day. He is only a fraction of the mistake you made those few years ago and if you want to get over one mistake, you first must deal with the first one. TC mark

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