For The Girls Still Trying To Love Themselves

Ivan Obolensky
Ivan Obolensky

I saw something the other day that said “shout-out to all the guys loving girls who are still learning to love themselves.” Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I’m only saying this because I am that girl, learning to love myself, and all of my relationships have ultimately been toxic. The fact of the matter is, you can’t ever love someone if you don’t love yourself. You really can’t do anything for them. Most of the time, they’re trying to do the same thing, and you will clash.

Self esteem is a powerful thing. It affects every single aspect of your life.

How about “shout-out to the nice guys who are with girls who are still learning to love themselves without taking advantage of them?” The worst kind of males are the ones that prey on the lonely (in more ways than one) girls that are still trying to cover up some sort of pain with anything from makeup to binge drinking to dressing like a slut. And still binge drinking. What’s worse than the guys that are just painfully obvious douche-bags? The ones that pretend they aren’t. The ones that you can look at directly, know they’re trouble, but they still do everything to prove they aren’t, just so that you succumb to their charm and they take the lonely girl home.

They’ll probably even go as far as texting you after you leave, and ask you why you didn’t wake him up to tell him you were leaving. In a girl’s head she’s like, “Well, of course I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t expecting anything from it.” But he knows she is, and she knows she is and to her surprise, he asks her to dinner. The girl is thoroughly impressed and tries to play it cool like she doesn’t care either way.

And then you never text her back. The cycle continues. Another mistake, stupid girl, but that facade and “it is what it is” attitude to cover up that beat-to-shit heart remains. Now, this pretty girl, who’s highly educated (and probably still furthering her education) is left wondering what the hell is wrong with her. More makeup, more random beds (or not so random), more drinking.

More reflection on how in the world could the guy who lied about living alone and not with his fucking mom, the guy who chain smokes cigarettes in his living room and talks about “hustling” because for some reason that company he owned hasn’t taken off yet, the guy that has a “really expensive” cashmere pea-coat and takes off all of his chains and his watches and puts them in their prospective boxes before climbing in the un-made fucking bed with cigarette burns in the pillow cases POSSIBLY think she is not good enough? If not her, then who? And why does it bother her so much?

So, here’s to that girl, because how could you be good enough for him when HE isn’t even enough for himself? And vice versa?

You aren’t even good enough for you, girl. Stop seeking validation from people who can’t even find it for themselves. Stop pretending like you don’t care when you do. Stop thinking you’re going find love when you’re out looking for it. Stop trying to fix the bad boy who’s 25 and still trying to move out of his mom’s house. Stop saying yes when your friends ask you to the bar. Stop waking up regretting the decisions you made the night before. Start searching for what you need inside yourself because that’s the only place you’re ever going to find it.

The odds are, girls won’t do this overnight. Girls don’t wake up one day and finally know what they have to do to finally feel okay with being alone 24/7. So, she will probably go out again. To the same place, for awhile maybe. She will secretly hope that she runs into you. And she does.

The rendezvous will be anything but pleasant. To make matters worse, she’s so sure of herself that she drunk-dialed you and you never answered. Even though she only. met. you. one. time. When she wakes up in the morning she’ll have messages from people she doesn’t even know. Oh, but they know you. And a few days later all of her relentless calls are responded to with a message that reads like it’s put together to hit her below the belt. Poor girl, stop apologizing to him for being drunk enough to forget his name and getting upset because he walked right past you. I know he said he didn’t, but he did. She will listen to his lame excuses for not talking to her for those 4 days before she saw him again. And the worst part about it is that she will get butterflies when he asks her to dinner for the second time.

One last shot because she’s feeling brave and now she’s the one who invites him out. The only closure she got was blocking him on Facebook and willing herself to quit trying to understand why he would even waste his time pretending there even a date.

Understand this: You cannot be loved until you love yourself. No one else can provide you the validation you need until you find it yourself. And I promise, you will find it quicker than he can.

This is for the girls who are still learning to stand up for themselves.

You are a rare breed. You may not say no every time you should, but you still know how and that sets you apart. Your whole life will not be spent in solitude, even though solitude isn’t a bad thing. You will eventually find peace in Friday nights alone with Lush baths and ice cream and Netflix, and later on, you will find someone that runs your bath for you, has your favorite show on when you get out, and brings you another bowl of ice cream even after you say you don’t want one. He’ll always follow through when he asks you to dinner, and you won’t ever have to question his intentions. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

lover of writing, brunch & motherhood.

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