First Date With A Hot Guy, As Narrated By My Hormones

Good God, this bathroom is disgusting. Do I really need lip gloss? I really need lip gloss. Okay. I do not even want to think about the germs I’m getting on my mouth right now. Scrubscrubscrubscrubscrub.

Remember, you are not bringing this guy home tonight. You like him. He is smart. He is funny. He is handsome. He’s not someone whose dirty texts I want to ignore the next day about how he wants to spank my ass again. Take things slowly. Do not go home with this guy … But just in case, I’m glad you wore the black lace panties.

Wow. He’s pretty cute. Those two margaritas last Thursday weren’t lyin’. But remember: DO NOT GO HOME WITH THIS GUY.

He just ordered both our drinks from the waitress. Old-fashioned. But hot.

Yes, cheers! Cheers to him not being a rapist and/or murderer!

He touched our finger. Accident? Or encoded secret male communication? Must think on this.

Maybe don’t finish that story that involves your nude photos, Jessica.

Why did he just look at our martini and ask us how we’re doing? Are we acting silly? We haven’t even finished the second drink. Hold it together, woman.

Touched our finger again. Tingly. OK, this is not an accident. Still may be secretly encoded male communication though. Think on this some more.

No, you are not taking us to a dive bar next, mister.

Yes, a martini bar. That’s better.

And this place has booths! We can sit next to each other for optimal hand-holding, leg-stroking and kissing. If he tries that. And if he does, DO NOT GO HOME WITH THIS GUY.

It’s kind of sweet the way he’s refusing to tell you a “slutty story” about himself. Aww,he is a gentleman. Or you’re just a slut. Why did you ask him that?

Why has he not kissed me yet? Why has he not kissed me yet? Why has he not kissed me yet?

HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK!!!!

Wait a minute, what the hell was that? A kiss on the cheek? The cheek? Kiss us on the lips, damn it.

He might just be shy. That’s fine. You are going to have to touch this guy’s hand. Stroke his fingers. Squeeze his palms.

OH MY GOD HE’S KISSING MY HAND. THIS IS SO ROMANTIC. I AM ROMANTIC PANTY-CREAMING.

Did you just tell him you like giving blowjobs? You just told him you like giving blowjobs. Jessica, why the f**k did you tell him you like giving blowjobs? This third martini is, uhh, working. You should have eaten a bigger dinner. DO. NOT. GO. HOME. WITH. THIS. GUY.

WHEN IS HE GOING TO KISS ME ON THE LIPS ALREADY? Don’t make us have to do this ourselves.

Ooooh.  Ooooh. Yes. Oooooh. That’s nice. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Stroke his hair a little bit. Is that product in there? He doesn’t seem metrosexual. Is product even metrosexual anymore? Why are we even thinking about this now? Kiss more!

Caress our leg a little bit. That’s right. No, not the thigh under our dress. Just the leg. At least, not in front of everyone. All right, maybe under the dress a little bit. Just don’t make it look obvious.

He’s not ordering another drink? THE PART WHERE WE INVITE HIM BACK TO OUR PLACE IS IMMINENT.

Oh, he’s going home alone? Early morning tomorrow? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Yes, of course we would like to have dinner at his place this weekend. Aww, that is so sweet. BUT THE WEEKEND IS STILL THREE DAYS AWAY OH MY GOD I CANNOT WAIT THAT LONG.

Sure, we’ll quote-unquote “split a cab home.” Making out in cabs is the best thing about living in New York City.

Ignore the cab driver sitting a two feet away. Repeat after us: cab drivers are not people.

No, we didn’t mean to brush his hand away while he was groping your boob. That was an accident. Ugh. Well, we can’t very well grab his hand and put it back on your tits, can we? Nice job, Jessica.

At least his hand is still resting on our thigh. Don’t you dare touch it, woman. Don’t mess this up, too. Just let it linger.

Kiss goodbye. We hope we’ll see him again. At least you didn’t go home with him on the first date.

This is the longest subway ride home ever.

And goddamn, am I horny. TC mark

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  • Mr Shankly

    Oh great, another hormoning about what it’s like to go on a date.

    I don’t mean it really I just wanted to use the pun.

    • http://facebook.com/sdouglas Scott

      Sorry, pal. Cobain beat you to it.

  • http://twitter.com/amertume Christiana

    Your hormones are funny, make them write more!

  • http://fwp.me Calvin Camus

    “I’m in love with every boy~”

  • Kait

    Wasn’t this originally posted on the Frisky? Still funny.

    But really, what’s wrong with dive bars?

  • -ade

    blah, i get enough of this type of thing on the Frisky. please not here too. 

  • Julian W

    Is it just me…or do you come off a bit like Gollum in “The Lord of The Rings”? Just a tip: if you want to get guy(or girl, for that matter)…maybe don’t refer to yourself as “us” or “we”. Just throwin’ that out there…feel free to throw it right back.

    ….The precioussssss.

    • Random

      Your reading comprehension skills are top notch.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7B6Y7KG7FIPAZKQJNJW6MFBF44 Jelly BeanL

        Is this sarcastic?  The writer alternates between “we/our” and “I/my” throughout the entire piece, and it’s distracting as fuck.  Given the title, the piece is supposed to be written from the hormones’ perspective, so why the hell does she use “I/my” at all?  The problem is that there are many parts where it doesn’t make sense for it to be written from the hormones’ perspective.  For example, do hormones have fingers? Or legs? Or thighs? The answer is no, no they don’t.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7B6Y7KG7FIPAZKQJNJW6MFBF44 Jelly BeanL

        Is this sarcastic?  The writer alternates between “we/our” and “I/my” throughout the entire piece, and it’s distracting as fuck.  Given the title, the piece is supposed to be written from the hormones’ perspective, so why the hell does she use “I/my” at all?  The problem is that there are many parts where it doesn’t make sense for it to be written from the hormones’ perspective.  For example, do hormones have fingers? Or legs? Or thighs? The answer is no, no they don’t.

      • http://www.facebook.com/yarbrobot Michael Yarbrough

        well, … I’m thinking that there might be something to that…. like the author was deliberately sloppy with picking which the narrator was inhabiting, to sort of blur the lines between the hormones and her own self.  Because it’s not an extremely rational/obvious distinction to make in the first place maybe?  it could have been accidental, but I think it was like a deliberate haphazardousness.  but I do agree that at first it was a little jarring, so that at first I wish there was a better way to write any sort of dialogue between the two, but.. it seems difficult.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    I’d like to date your hormones. 

  • Jordan

    i thought this was boring the first time i saw it on the Frisky. i thought TC was a little smarter than to post immature pieces such as this.

    • Jordan

      Whoah, this is the first time I’ve heard of TC stuff getting published elsewhere.  I like TC but haven’t delved into finding other sites like it (as much as TC tries to make me, at times).

      Are a lot of these pieces published other places as well?

      • Jordan

        And that was on The Frisky almost two months ago!  WTF TC.

  • Pfft

    you can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think

    • Oliver Miller

      I always met a man I never liked.

    • http://www.facebook.com/yarbrobot Michael Yarbrough

      WHA”T??  WHat the hell is this??  is this from something, or are you just that clever?

  • Clowve

    The stench of desperation kinda turned me off from this one. :/

  • Anonymous

    This is God damn entertaining!  2nd Date?

  • Megatigers

    I LOVED THIS ARTICLE! Favorite on TC so far. :) 

  • Megatigers

    I LOVED THIS ARTICLE! Favorite on TC so far. :) 

  • Megatigers

    I LOVED THIS ARTICLE! Favorite on TC so far. :) 

  • CausticWit

    This is reminiscent of Tolstoy’s early works. I applaud Thought Catalog for bringing such raw talent to light. Thank you.

  • Tony Jiang

    to all the people who feel they are far too mature for this kind of talk: 

    go read another article highlighting one of your insecurities and telling you that it’s OK, you’re not alone baby, and then hug yourself

    As for me, I like hearing people with different perspectives think… especially women.. because god are they weird

    :P

  • consistency

    funny, but i think at the end you meant “cab ride” not “subway ride”.

  • Caroline

    Everyone’s a critic here in the comments of thought catalog. 

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