Some people lose their best friends because of death. However, I lost mine because she decided I wasn’t good enough for her anymore. We were best friends for two years. Through every fight with our parents, every night crying over a boy, every night spent puking our guts out from drinking too much, she was my go to person and someone I thought I would never lose. Her graduating college changed things, though.
When she would come back to visit, we would spend time together, but it mainly revolved around her chasing boys and drinking too much. One night, the frustration of our friendship changing and feeling like she wasn’t there for me anymore boiled over. I accused her of being a bad friend. Weeks passed and we didn’t talk. When we finally did, I apologized profusely but looking back, what was I sorry for? Friendship shouldn’t be about having a place to stay when you go back to your alma mater so you’re able to go out, drink too much, make out with boys you won’t see again, and have a place to crash to do it all over the next night.
While our friendship was rocky, I thought I could still rely on her. So when I was diagnosed with depression, she was one of the first people I turned to about what was happening in my life. She had gone through something similar, so I thought she would understand. She’d always been the person I talked to when things got tough, but this time it was different. She didn’t know how to react, so she chose to not talk at all.
Eventually, things got worse. We barely talked. I found out she had a boyfriend through Facebook. She found out about me switching my major through mutual friends. This back and forth went on and on until one day our friendship came to a catastrophic stop when I finally asked what happened that changed things. I felt like we would never get back to how we were. I was absolutely devastated by that fact, too. But still, I wanted answers about what happened and closure so I could move on. We rehashed the previous years happenings, and she ended up telling me I was dramatic, controlling, and she no longer saw me as a friend. All things adjectives that described her more so than me. Nonetheless, what she had to say during our conversation opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I learned how to stand on my own feet. The whole time we were best friends, she was the first person I turned to. It didn’t matter if it was something exciting or something sad, I always went to her first.
After our friendship ended, I became stronger. I learned to appreciate my successes on my own without needing someone to celebrate with. I also learned how to face my challenges without the help of another person. It feels really good to be independent.
I learned who my real friends are. Eliminating a toxic friendship from my life allowed me to appreciate whom I did have in my life even more. I reconnected with friends who I didn’t have time for because I was always with or talking to my best friend, I grew closer to the friends I did have in my life, and I had the time to make new, better friendships. My friendships and the people I have in my life now are more supportive, encouraging, and understanding than she ever was.
I learned what I need in my friendships. Looking back on our friendship, there were many red flags and signs that she wasn’t as true of a friend as I thought she was. It allowed me to see I need people who are there for me any time, just as I am for them. I need people who can support me on my dark days instead of only wanting to be around when I’m happy and making people laugh.
Most of all, I learned I don’t need to depend on anyone. I used to think I wouldn’t be able to survive without her in my life. It’s been almost a year now, and I’m doing just fine. I graduated college. I moved home to be with my family. I got a job. I have the best of friends. And most importantly, I’m happy with what I am doing and whom I get to spend my memories with.
Overall, losing my best friend was a great thing. I won’t deny I still miss her from time to time, but I just remind myself of all the positives that came from this happening. Besides, we can’t keep looking back. We must keep moving forward with the people that choose to stay in our lives.