Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are masters of breeding, and their abundant litter of children are taking after them as best as they can. The stars of the patriarchal, pro-life wonder that is TLC’s 19 Kids And Counting are now counting and expecting more grandchildren, which one can only expect when you’re essentially raised as professional human breeders who think everything from hugs to birth control will send you on a highway to Hell.
Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar’s daughters, Jill and Jessa, are sharing their advice in light of their recent engagements and, in the case of Jill Duggar, also a pregnancy. (As to whether or not Jill Duggar had premarital sex, which is a no-no in the Duggar family, it’s unclear, and, frankly, no one’s business, despite the multitude of media outlets trying to do the math to see when she conceived.)
Say what you will about the ultra-conservative, ultra-huge brood, but one thing is pretty clear: They’re good at what they do. And luckily enough for all of us, Michelle Duggar, she of the exhaustively-worked birth canal and tragic bangs, is willing to share her wisdom on everything from courtship (not dating), romance, love and, yes, even sex, with the world. So put on your most modest dress, spray your hair like it’s 1989 and get ready to get schooled.
- CC your parents on all of your text messages. Especially your nudes. They love that.
- Have A LOT of sex. But not until you’re married. For real. A LOT. Though most modern women would dry up faster than a teardrop on the surface of the sun at the thought of having sex with someone named “Jim Bob,” Michelle Duggar insists, “Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love. You always need to be available when he calls.” This is especially true if your husband doesn’t have full use of his hands.
- YAAASSS! Now we can hug! Only side-hugs are permitted until your wedding day, because going chest-to-chest can create too much temptation. You know Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar got all sorts of nasty embraces after this photo was taken. Look at that lascivious wink — she probably even let him cop a feel. Trollop.
- Be fruitful and multiply. This is an especially good rule for those of you with reproductive issues, who hate kids, and who rely on public assistance to make ends meet.
- A parent is to chaperone all your dates. This is to prevent “grave moral danger.” By “grave moral danger,” we think they mean “boners,” and by “chaperone,” we think they mean “third wheel” or “c*ckblocker.”
- Never, ever read 50 Shades of Grey. Erotic fiction produces erotic feelings, which are sinful. In the case of EL James’ tomes, the poor writing makes them also produce unintentional hilarity and a lot of cringing for anyone above a third grade reading level.
- Never, ever drink booze. Even if you need booze to make being chaperoned by your parents on a date in your 20s or the thought of having near-constant sex with a man named “Jim Bob” bearable, don’t go anywhere near alcohol.
- You can’t dance, either. Footloose is real: Dancing produces “sensual feelings,” and despite having to be available for sex whenever a man with two first names wants it, you can’t get jiggy with it to get yourself in the mood. Because that’s sinful and bad. Almost as bad as the phrase “get jiggy with it.”
- Always be modest, even when he’s already seen you naked. Because your body belongs only to your husband and to God. Definitely not to you. Especially not your uterus.
- You can never go to the beach. The Duggars think their sons will have too hard a time averting their eyes from women in bikinis. Does this mean they can’t get Sears catalogs either?
- Halloween will send you straight to hell. The Duggars claim that Halloween is “part of a demonic realm God wants us to stay away from.” Which is exactly what I’d call a house with 19 children running around in it.