Boys Just Use Movember Because They Want An Excuse To Grow A ‘Stache

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I have to let you in on something, guys. The jig is up on Movember.

Your mustache is not truly for testicular cancer or sick children or any other charity you claim you’re supporting as you stare and twist and wax your newly sprouted facial hair.

You people aren’t all out their running 10Ks or donating to Doctors Without Borders the rest of the year. It’s time for us to admit what this month is really is about and why it’s so popular: you really really wanted to try a mustache. Since you were like a little kid pretending to be a pirate or a cowboy or the guy from Judas Priest. It’s not for charity. It’s for you.

It is the same reason that so many men dress up like “women” on Halloween and pretend someone forced them into it. You’re curious what you look like in smeared purple lipstick and fishnets (Generally, and similarly to actual women, not very good).

It’s fine. Just embrace it. I know you want facial hair. I would too if I were one of you.

However, if you do happen to decide to grow a mustache, next November or at any time in between, I don’t need daily updates on its growth and maintenance. Don’t think we can’t see staring at your reflection in shop windows as you wait to cross the street, obsessively stroking your upper lip like Lenny with his rabbit. I understand that to you it is like a pet sea monkey, but to me, it is like a mustache in that it is not really very interesting.

So have it. Just own it. It’s ok. Whatever the month. We live in beardy, mustache-y times. My mailman has a mustache. My favorite bartender has a mustache. Girls think they’re hot. Boys think they’re hot. Nearly everyone has a mustache these days. What’s wrong? Do you think you’re not cool enough for a full-time mustache? Of course you are.  You just have to own it and stop pussyfooting around with this “Movember” crap.

In fact, at the end of this month, you know what would be really cool? Keeping and shaving your facial hair in accordance with what you actually want on your face, regardless of month. This means you can keep the mustache into “Mocember” and “Momanuary.” It’s a whole damn Moyear if you want it to be, baby.

(Don’t worry; you can still donate to charities.) TC Mark

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