I think the hardest thing about going through a break up is the fact that you miss them every day.
After all, they were your person. You shared everything with them, you have thousands of memories together, it’s only natural to want to miss them. You miss their smile, their voice, their kiss, their touch. The way they’d light up when they’d see you. The way they’d tickle you so they could hear you laugh. Their soft touch when moving their thumb back and forth, while holding your hand. The long drives to nowhere, listening to music, tapping the steering wheel to the beat, singing at the top of our lungs, laughing because your voice cracked.
I think that is when we were the happiest.
Long drives seemed to fix everything, you forgot why you were frustrated or unhappy and it washed the day away. We were on a destination to nowhere and got lost in each other.
These memories cause panic and they make you wonder if you made a mistake. You left your significant other, the person you shared everything with, the person you were comfortable with, the person you’re still in love with, and now everything has changed. You start overthinking, over analyzing, and obsessing, over the decision you made to leave. I feel like we are wired to think this way. Fear resides in the brain. You fear being rejected, you fear change, and you fear the unknown. Therefore, we flood our minds with good memories when you are about to leave a unhealthy relationship. Based off fear. Your mind will make a list of everything you love about your significant other to make you want to stay. Of course, it would only make sense to stay with the person that you love.
But what if love isn’t enough for some?
What if that person is toxic for you? Would you still stay?
Some would say no, but some do.
It wasn’t like the emotional abuse happened all at once. It happened a little here, a little there, until you were emotionally dependent on them. Always looking to them for approval. It started out with love bombing, they gave you their undivided attention. It lasted for a few weeks and then you would do something that would annoy them, like say; basic body functions – like sneezing or I don’t know, the sound food makes when you eat it. They would make a crude comment towards you, and you’d let the crude comment go because you thought if you defended yourself you would offend them.
The first real fight you had with them was when you found out they were lying to you. Things weren’t adding up and your heart knew they were being deceitful, so you’d confront them with evidence. The evidence didn’t matter though, they would lie to you until they were blue in the face before ever speaking the truth to you and they always knew how to turn the tables around, making it your fault. This would send your mind into a frenzy, because you had the facts, your heart knew it was true, but your mind would try to come up with a simple explanation and justify the reason they reacted a certain way.
Maybe you really did come off as a bitch.
So, you’d be the first one to always apologize, while they never bothered. They always thought they were right, even when they were wrong. They would turn on their charm and list a few promises to shut you up. This is where they set the trap. They’d tell you everything you wanted to hear, wait until you were smitten with them again, and then devalue you, again. It was a never-ending cycle of “I hate you. I’m sorry. I love you. You’re crazy. I didn’t mean it. You’re a bitch. I handled the situation poorly. You’re stupid.”
They would blame the insults on miscommunication and stress. After witnessing many steering wheel beatings, watching their fist go through your windshield, and listening to how horrible your taste in music was, the long drives were no longer your favorite thing to do with them. Their promises contained the usual “I’ll change, I’ll try harder, I love you, you bring so much meaning to my life, I am nothing without you”, they would beg and plead with you, and when they finally wore you down, you’d stay.
You became addicted, because after every fight, the love bombing would start. It was a roller coaster and your mind enjoyed the thrill of the ride. Meanwhile, your heart is panicking, trying to tell your mind, that you need to get out of there before you get seriously hurt. Your heart tries to reason with your mind, but your mind will not hear any of it. You’re addicted and like every drug addict, you stay to get your fix. You choose to be naive about the emotional abuse, you’d rather live in misery with someone, but happy to not be apart from them. The absurd thing is, you recognize that you’re miserable. They no longer communicate with you. They no longer try to be intimate with you, even when you try, and they reject you. They no longer want anything to do with you. You try and express how you feel to them, sobbing in front of them – trying to get a grip on your failing relationship, while they sit in front of you in an expressionless gaze.
At this moment, you realize that you are insignificant to them and you’ve finally had enough.
Your heart is in charge and you decide to leave. Your mind and body are numb, it no longer has the strength to fight anymore. The only thoughts inside your head are “One foot in front of the other”, “Just a little further”, “Get in your car and never look back”. So, with puffy watery eyes, you run to the car, because maybe if you get to the car fast enough it won’t hurt as much. You start the engine, and leave. A murderous scream escapes your mouth and you don’t know how to stop. Your entire body is trembling, and you just keep screaming until your voice cracks, until your throat is so sore that it is a whisper, until you full on ugly cry. I’m talking – you can’t keep your eyes open because there are so many tears, so much snot coming out of your nose, mouth half open, ugly cry. You’re not crying because you’re sad. You’re crying because you’re angry. Angry at everything you let slide. Every nasty remark, every lie they’ve ever told you, every conversation they turned around on you, manipulating you into thinking the fight was your fault. Angry for every “I hate you, “I’m sorry”, “I love you”. Angry for every apology you gave when they should have been the one apologizing. Angry for every promise they broke. Angry with yourself for allowing yourself to fall head over heels for a person that treats you so insignificantly, making you think you are unworthy of love, respect and dignity. Allowing yourself to stay longer than you should have, because your mind justified every action.
Most of all, angry at how much they disappointed you.
But let this be a lesson to you, some people do not love the same way you do, and one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.