The Love You Had For Him Won’t Just Disappear, And That’s Okay


We’ve all been there. If you haven’t, you will be at some point or another. Heartbreak. The ending of what you thought was the best relationship you could have imagined. Every negative emotion rages through you daily and you wonder if the pain will ever subside. But it’s only until after some time (or a lot of time) passes that you will be able to appreciate and learn from it all. When you hit the point of moving on, you come to many realizations about the relationship, your ex and most importantly, yourself. You learn from mistakes, make changes, and go into future relationships with more respect and understanding for everyone involved.

At times within the process of moving on and regaining strength, you may think that you need to prove to your ex how great you are now. Whether it’s getting him back or making him hate himself for letting you go, the thought always crosses your mind. Some girls will act on this and actively try (guilty!), while others will not even care. The first is what happens at the beginning of moving on and the second generally happens when you have moved on.

For a while, I had been in the first part of moving on. I constantly wanted my ex to know what he had lost and realize that I’m great and I’m this and I’m that… blah, blah, blah. Whatever psychobabble we may tell ourselves in a state of flux and uncertainty. It wasn’t until I began to truly enter this second and final phase of moving on that I really started to see something very important.

What may you ask will my ex never know about me?

That I’m better and more importantly, I’m better without him.

He will never know what it is like to know me as the girl he always wanted me to be. He will never know what I’m like with everything I’ve learned from him. He will never know that I am a great loss in his life. He will never be able to say he truly knows me because he doesn’t anymore and he can’t. And to be honest, that’s okay.

Regardless of how the relationship ended, he doesn’t deserve to know this version of me. It’s not to say he is a horrible person or anything to that extreme. He has his flaws and I still have mine. It’s that whether I was this person before him or after him, I couldn’t be this person with him. That, to me, means he wasn’t the one deserving of this version of myself. Perhaps he wouldn’t have appreciated it or perhaps I wouldn’t have been the one to stay. The question will forever be unanswered and I’m okay with that. I’d rather be this person than not be her and have him.

With this moment of clarity also comes the ever so lovely feeling of not caring what he thinks about me, my actions in the past, or anything to do with my life.

I don’t need to prove myself to him or to anyone else.

I felt the need to do that enough in the two years I was with him. No one should ever need to do that. Now, I just feel sorry for him. That he has to miss out on the very person he said he wanted me to be, which I have now manifested into.

I know my worth and frankly, he can’t afford it anymore. He doesn’t get to see the more carefree and optimistic perspective I’ve developed. He doesn’t get to see me conquer graduate school and head into my career with my head held high. He doesn’t get to know about the adventures I’ve had and the experiences I’ve created. He will never know because he chose not to know. It’s strange when you know you’re grateful for that.

For my fellow lady friends who may not be there yet and are going through a break up, you don’t need a man to help you become the best version of yourself. I know it can be hard to let go and I know that part of me will still always hold onto little pieces of my ex.

When you’re with someone for that long, the love doesn’t just disappear. You have to learn how to transform it into something more positive for yourself.

And also, you must remember something very important. He is an ex for a reason. You aren’t together for a reason. If he is worthy of you, he won’t leave and then come back. He’ll stay because he knows what you have to offer is not worth giving up. Trust in yourself and all the amazing qualities you possess. It’s the hardest thing to grasp when going through a break up, but it is the one that brings you the very relationship you deserve and desire.

Now, for the first time ever, I’m in a healthy, fulfilling, respectful relationship that encourages me to grow and builds confidence in myself and my partner. Whether it lasts a couple years or a lifetime isn’t important, but rather, the knowledge he has given me that I can apply to both life and love. I now know what it’s like to have someone who truly appreciates me for me. What it is like to have a man who admires me for my strengths and never faults me for the flaws I’m still working on. He is the exact person I wanted my ex to be and the best part about it?

He’s not my ex. Not even a little bit. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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