An Open Letter To My First Love: You Really Fucked Me Up

A woman with brown hair and a gray t-shirt lies face down on a white sheet
Vladislav Muslakov / Unsplash

I know it’s been awhile since we last spoke. It has also been months since I gave up trying to get a hold of you after we broke up. It was more than obvious that you no longer wanted me to take part in your life. Even if it took me some time to accept it, eventually I did. I had to, I owed it to myself. Months of crying over you left me emotionally exhausted. I was also done making a fool out of myself, begging for someone to love me.

Today, I lost someone else. Losing him didn’t feel the same when I lost you. Losing you ruined me. It was not me sitting down with my friends binge-watching movies, trying to forget you. It was me waking up at four in the morning questioning why I wasn’t enough. It was me constantly trying to blink back tears whenever I was in public. It was me crying at random hours during the day, not wanting to get out of bed. I will never forget the pain I endured when I lost you. 

Losing him, it is not that it was easier but it just wasn’t the same. After I lost him, I realized something. I realized that I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I loved the fact that he gave me love. He made me feel loved in ways that you never did. He made me feel like I was worth loving because after the way you left me I started questioning if I was worthy of loving. So when I say “You really fucked me up,” I’m not exaggerating.

I made myself believe that I was in love with him because even after all this time, I still think of you from time to time. I told him things I wish to tell you. I told him that I loved him without realizing that he was just a distraction. His company distracted me from the real issue I have been trying to forget, you. I hate how you still have so much power over me. I hate how I can’t escape the memories you left me with. But most of all, I hate how I can’t find it in me to hate you.

Till this day, I still don’t know why we ended. All I know is one day you loved me and the next you wanted nothing to do with me. Strange, but there was nothing else I could do even if I still loved you. I knew I just had to accept it eventually.

I hope you spare the next girl from feeling the pain you put me through when you left me. I hope you give her an explanation. I hope you give her closure. The closure that you refused to give me.

It may be hard to believe but, I still wish you well. TC mark

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