You have no idea how hard this is for me. To walk away from you and from us. I was making room for you in my life and you were leading me out of yours. You don’t even notice when I’m there or when I’m gone. But I notice when you’re gone because I can feel it and it hurts. Thinking of you hurts now.
You have no idea how hard it is to care about someone for so long and then find out you never mattered to them. To see those pictures pop up and know that while I was pursuing you, you were pursuing her. To drive to see you only to find out you took her on your vacation two days later.
You have no idea how hard it is to be disappointed so deeply in another person. You knew how I felt about you and you made plans to see me knowing the entire time you were going to see this new girl two days later. I thought you were a good man, I thought you cared about me. Maybe not as much as I cared for you, but I thought you had to care at least a little.
You have no idea how hard it is to be vulnerable with another person. To be emotionally and physically intimate with someone all at once for the first time. To put yourself out there despite all the sirens going off in your head. The sirens that always go off when I get too close to someone because I know how dangerous it is to trust other people. To let other people know how much they matter to you because it gives them power over you.
You have no idea how much it hurts to be proven wrong. I never should have let myself get so close to you or care so much. I had a gut feeling you were going to be great for me and you were going to change my life. I can’t even trust myself now because that feeling was so wrong and misplaced.
You have no idea how hard it is not speaking to you. I have talked to you every day for so long, you became more than a boyfriend in my mind. You were a best friend. You were an important person to me and I just want to talk to you to make me feel better. But I can’t talk to you to feel better because you’re the reason I feel so bad. You are the one who hurt me so you can’t be the one to help fix me. And you wouldn’t care to fix me anyway because you don’t see that you have broken my heart.
You have no idea how hard it is to look at the good times. You told me you had a great time with me and at least you had some good memories to look back on with me. But I can’t look back at all those good times because now they seem fake to me. Every smile and laugh you were having with me you were having with other people too. Everything we did that made me feel special was just casual for you. I was enjoying myself because you were there with me but you could have shared those experiences with anyone and been just as happy. I was just filling a space for you. Just one of the many.
Most of all you have no idea how hard it is to still care about someone you know you shouldn’t.
I can’t just turn off my emotions like you. You say you’re just going to give me space and respect my wishes. It was never my wish to be played and to not have you in my life. All I wanted was you in my life and all you wanted was someone you didn’t have to worry about. After everything with this new girl, after everything you have done to show me I don’t matter, I still can’t stop caring.
And that’s the worst thing of all.
Because I should hate you and never want to see you again, but all I want is for you to walk through my door and hold me. And you have no idea how much it hurts knowing that will never happen.
Or how much it hurts to still want someone knowing they are just toxic for you right now.