One of the worst feelings is knowing that you yourself are the cause of ruining a good thing.
I did not know that you would end up meaning so much to me. It just sort of happened over time, I guess how most things do. I took you for granted and that was such a hard fucking lesson to learn.
There lacked so much respect and honesty on my part. I owed those qualities to you, and not just because of how amazing you were to me, but because everyone deserves that. I get it now. It only took me losing you to realize this.
In the final weeks of our relationship, I wanted it to work with you and told you I would do anything to make that happen. In a perfect world, you would forgive me for all my sins and we would have spent the rest of our lives together. I wanted that future with you, us traveling, growing a successful business together, having three boys, and being silly like we always were. Even moving to Ohio like you wanted to, although I didn’t.
We both know that I had already fucked that up though. I begged and pleaded for you to move past it, but you couldn’t, and I understand. You said you want to be with me, but you just can’t and I don’t blame you because that is respectable.
I’m 25-years-old so you would think that I would have already known the essentials of a good relationship. Clearly not.
The connection we had was genuine and something I’d never known before. I saw you as a partner, one that I’d want to work with and grow within all aspects of life. I had not known love in that way before; maybe I had some other ill idea of love before. When I fell in love with you is when I met “love” for the first time. Love is honesty first. Respect for feelings, concerns, goals, time, and effort. Growth individually and together. Loyalty and being a unit.
I agree I was immature. It sucks that it took as long as it did for me to figure this out because it cost me losing you. It was a difficult lesson, but so necessary for me to learn.
I let my addiction ruin our relationship and you cannot even imagine how sorry I am. I was a sorry person for the things that I did or lack thereof. I took our relationship for granted, not thinking about the consequences of my actions. Now I have all the time in the world to reflect back on this chapter and use it to be a better human.