Some life trials cause unintentional injury to essential elements and components that help us exist as our best self. We covertly endure a piece by piece surrendering, becoming an imposter of our former being. Overtaken and consumed by fear fueled ego, we lose our foundation and clarity to our path.
There are fated purposes and timetables to why souls inextricably encounter each other. During this time, prevailed a precious relationship synergy of being entirely “seen” with admiration and unprecedented comfort. There is tremendous beauty and intimate sanctity when someone acknowledges our worthiness, during a crisis of faith where we misplace the ability to see it within ourselves. There’s euphoric synchronicity in allowing another to pervade our core, being known in our most vulnerable form — a Naked Shrine of Confluence — containing extraordinary assets and broken remnants. We share our past with a privileged few, so they better know how we need love in the present. Being courageous enough to fully own our story, knowing we are loved regardless, cultivated intrinsic empowerment.
Serendipitously and fleetingly, individuals enter our world providing support and strength in our most significant moments of unforeseeable need. They mend pieces we never realized were damaged. She loved uniquely and demonstrated how to love in such an influential method; it later helped re-nurture an ardent proclivity to love and embrace me fully. Sometimes we need reminding to fervently and unapologetically love ourselves first before we can ever love anyone else healthily.
We can gain invaluable insight when listening with an open heart, rather than viscerally absorbing messaging, losing the inherent value of the message. I listened to an unvarnished truth-drop— containing substance wrapped in punitive contempt and blame; precipitating deep feelings of hurt, usage, and abandonment — but later distilled so much knowledge. To digest the sobering impermanence of losing a loved one, part cornerstone, part touchstone; while conceding as a stepping-stone. It jars one awake and galvanizes a more meaningful life in the aftermath.
We can glean as much in someone’s absence as we did in their presence, measured by the space they leave in our hearts. It mandates changes; seeking help reframing perspectives and fortifying newer beliefs. To fulsomely value the dimensional hardship and robust privilege of relearning to love oneself so profoundly, it forces a divine edification of growth and development. To better share light from wisdom contrived from overcoming self-sabotaging wounds and limitations. Anomalies that can have short-term occupancy in our mind, but never allowing them to have the long-term tenancy in our hearts.
Our capacity to change is proportionate to how willing we are to continually face down hard emotions – fear, inferiority, discomfort, grief, failure – and the ultimate antagonist, our inner critic. The assimilation we are our most substantial adversary is humbling. I was a skilled evader, which postured and suppressed tons of shame and guilt, a self-inflicted life penance. I grappled with losing my identity, no longer able to compartmentalize, my facade shattered. It overwhelmingly inhibited and tainted how I lived and loved. I was blessed; encountering someone that was strong enough to love me through part of that tribulation. Their strength helped keep my shattered being superficially whole. I’ll always treasure the safe space we were ensconced within, and the unique relationship hearts can share, when not overtaken by anxieties. Any soul that can love us at our lowest, weakest and help us feel safe, deserves the same reciprocated as a human.
These afflictions, intersections, and departures are wake-up calls that any form of lamenting loss changes us. We always have conscious choices in defining how. It should prompt us to re-evaluate our principles and give more positive life to what we offer energy; strengthening our pursuit in manifesting an existence that better engenders our higher aspirations. I was limited in expressing and receiving the type of love I want to share. It inspired me to improve my agency and embodiment of each of my love languages and has altered my lexicon of love:
I wanted to be the person with whom you can be yourself. By openly embracing and confidently sharing my authentic self, I compel others to share their true self.
I wanted to be your eyes’ beloved vision. By loving my body immeasurably, it empowers me to radiate a beauty that money cannot buy, and make-up cannot enhance.
I wanted my words to stimulate your mind perpetually. By continuously growing my knowledge, becoming a better asset; I will not just survive, but purposefully thrive in passionately serving many communities.
I wanted to make you laugh harder than most and have a lifetime of fun with you. By staying mindfully present with experiences and people in my life each day. To not just occupy space, but create levity and uplift others.
I wanted to be your soul’s most kindred spirit and most attentive partner. By sharing emotional intimacy, which is essential to the longevity of happiness. To express gratitude, each soul encountered is for a reason, leaving an indelible impact.
I wanted to be your equal, your rock and your human. I was so lost and broken, wanting all the wrong things for mistaken reasons. I could never be more for you if I wasn’t enough for me.
The most beautiful thing about any loss is our ability to evolve. To flourish in our authenticity and by assuaging the journey of reconciliation our hearts need to fit the intended story better. Some tales aren’t meant to be lasting love stories, but a few lines and anecdotes of deeply meaningful prose found in one another’s life narratives. There will always be traces and influences of these humans in our hearts, as they help us mend a healthier constitution to our vital love affairs with ourselves and our lives. We are never a finished creation. We all need to be given the support and grace to grow perpetually; to not live another day unfelt or unfinished. She helped give me these gifts when they were needed most in this life.
Sometimes souls collide causing lasting reverberations; not always in the ways we want, but conceivably still in the ways we need.
The miniature odyssey in this lifetime of our indulgence has left me changed. I remain in a state of grateful perpetuity for all the incredibly valuable lessons she taught me about loving – principally – our greatest lesson, self-love.