Note: I wrote this piece while auditioning for the role of dating writer at Elite Daily. I didn’t take the assignment seriously, nor did I end up taking the job. Nevertheless, I had fun writing this and there’s some truth to these Tinder tips. Enjoy!
Sometimes it’s OK to be a basic bitch. Instagramming that PSL? Totally fine. Indulging in #manicuremonday? Get down with yo’ fine self. But writing the same boring Tinder profile as all those other fancy-fingered, PSL-sippin’, boyfriend-less basics? Unacceptable.
Tinder is a numbers game, and anyone who tells you otherwise is probably your mother. The more options you have, the more likely you’ll find someone with whom to share your life, night, or stuffed-crust pizza. To maximize your matches, then, you’ve got to perfect your technique.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: If you flash side boob, you’ll get more matches. If you write anything insinuating an interest in one night stands, you’ll get more matches. The tips below are for dames who’d prefer to keep their sideboobs inside and who want to date first, with sex possibly to follow.
Ready to get more matches than you can handle? Read on:
1. Use Tinder as a crowdsourcing platform
Sure, Tinder has become mainstream. But acknowledging Tinder within Tinder (e.g., Not sure what to expect here) is boring. Make things interesting by using Tinder to crowdsource information, à la:
Emergency! Need a playlist for impromptu yacht party. What’s good on Spotify?
Mapping out the best burritos in Columbus. Help me put a pin it! Not a euphemism.
2. Upload a picture of you eating ice cream
On at least five occasions a guy has shown me a picture of a girl he digs and she’s working on an ice cream cone. Dudes can’t get enough of that who-me-sexy? sweetness. So I guess recruit your BFF to take glamour shots while you get into two scoops of Rocky Road. I’m not a big fan of this tip but Elite Daily wanted five tips so we’re both going to have to deal with it.
3. Bait him to mansplain
Actually, forget side boobs; men really find it irresistible when they can explain things to you. Write something like:
Convince me blockchain is the future and I’ll buy you a drank.
Can capitalism and democracy coexist? But, like, srsly tho.
To really get the matches (and your eyes) rolling. 🙄
4. Make up an acronym
Write a plain-Jane profile, like:
Dog lover looking to meet new people in the neighborhood.
Then drop a widely understood acronym, like:
Then drop a made-up acronym, like:
PWP is totally ok!
Zeitgeisty FOMO will put men in a panic. They’ll swipe right to find out what on earth PWP means. Make them guess, and flirt with the boys who guess best.
5. Create competition
Fill in the blanks: My ____ brings all the ____ to the yard (or any other song lyric). I’ll reply to answers that make me laugh. All others will be ignored.
And they’re off to the races! Men crave the opportunity to prove themselves, and this ad-lib gives them a chance to (1) beat the competition; and (2) make a girl laugh. Add beer to that list and you have most guys’ top three reasons for living. You’re just going for top four at this point.