1. I don’t want to constantly listen to Sam Smith or read sad poems anymore. I want to listen to be able to listen to #ThrowbackThursday songs and be able to ride down the road and dance around in my car.
2. I don’t want to lock myself up in my room for months. For months, I stayed in my room. I only left to go to school and once I got home from school I didn’t leave. Ever.
3. I don’t want to sleep my life away again. From October to February I slept all the time. I missed out on hanging out with my friends and meeting new people – better people. I missed out on funny inside jokes and I even missed out on movie night at school. And I know that sounds stupid but I enjoyed being in an auditorium for 2 hours with a bunch of people that wanted to watch Elf or Frozen.
4. I want to be healthy. From October to February I was unhealthy. I never really ate and when I did I was starving and I ate junk food. I lived on Zaxby’s or McDonalds or cake. And I don’t even like cake.
5. I don’t want to be put back on depression medicine again. It makes you feel numb and out of it. It makes you stare into space and forget where you even are. It makes you sleepy and it makes you not hungry.
6. I don’t want to be constantly thinking about what he’s doing and if he’s not where he says he is. We were never in a relationship but I always wondered if he was lying to me about something and even when I went out with my friends that’s all I could think about.
7. I want to be able to listen to my favorite songs again. Every time he got into my car and “Bad Intentions” by Niykee Heaton came on he turned it up and that song was all he would talk about. He loved it and it was my favorite song before he ever loved it and I want to be able to listen to it without having to think about him.
8. I don’t want to have to go back to a therapist again. I know you should be going to a therapist if someone dies or if something horrific happens in your life – but this was horrific. It hurt me more than anything. It made me depressed and it even led me to getting diagnosed with Clinical Depression.
9. I want to be able to sleep regularly again. For months my sleep schedule was off. All I did was sleep. I could sleep for days if you let me because the pain was that real, and that deep. I want to be able to have a set nighttime routine and to be able to wake up at a decent time.
10. I want to have my life back.
11. I don’t want to feel like those months I spent becoming stronger and healing was wasted for the second time.
12. I don’t want to have to fake being happy. I want to actually be happy and look radiant and not half dead like I did.
13. I don’t want to waste my days on someone who could care less whether they were with me or not.
14. I don’t want to look like one of those stupid girls who constantly runs back to someone that clearly doesn’t give a damn about them.
15. I don’t want to feel used. I know that at one point all he wanted was sex and I said no and no wasn’t good enough for him.
16. I don’t want to be that 21 year old who comes back home and still hooks-up with someone they graduated with and everyone knows that he hurt her more than ever.
17. I don’t deserve that kind of “love”. At 17 I thought he was the one. I thought even though we were going through all of this mess, we would be fine and okay. But we turned out to be the exact opposite. And at 18 I realized that I didn’t deserve that kind of “love”.