I have had my heart shattered into a thousand different pieces countless times. I have felt like there was no point in living without a certain person. I have feared that my dark days would never fade and that I would be stuck in a depressed state forever. But as time went on, I’ve always dusted myself off, built my walls higher and stronger than before, and started over (without fail). I have survived heartbreaks before, but they never get easier for me.
Why? Because although I know that I don’t need anyone to be whole, I continue to fall too hard and too fast for people that I shouldn’t. I fall in love with people and their stories. I grow to love their quirks, their imperfections, and everything in between. I hold onto everything they say and remember every day and night spent together, perfectly.
I allow the walls that I have built since the destruction of my last heartbreak to slowly come down. I begin to trust again, to love again, and to see a future again with someone else. I make the decision to allow this person into my life, my home, and my family. I take everything at face value. When someone says they love me, I believe them. When someone says they see a future with me, I believe them. And when things start to change, I don’t understand.
For as long as I can remember, every relationship I have been a part of ended because someone else’s feelings changed. I love someone until I have no other choice but to stop. I get it, things change, people change. But I wish that wasn’t always the case.
Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and to me, that is so disheartening. I love to love. I love caring for another human being. I love getting to know someone, spending time with them, and creating new memories together. I am all for self-love and being selfish when need be, but at the end of the day, I love the thought of sharing a life with someone else.
I have always been an old soul when it came to relationships. Marrying young never scared me. In my eyes, loving someone after a week is not uncalled for. You can be together for 2 years and feel nothing. You can be together 2 weeks and feel everything. I truly feel that time does not validate someone’s love.
However, old souls are hard to come by. People do not always feel as deeply as I do, which leads to a disconnection when a relationship does not work out. I am left feeling empty, insecure, and baffled that the person I have grown to love, has in fact, walked away. I focus too much of my attention on the words that were said and the plans that were promised, instead of understanding that actions speak louder than words ever will.
I would like to believe that everything happens for a reason. I would like to think that when things fall apart, it is because better things are coming together. But I do not understand how something can feel so right, yet be so wrong in the end. It scares me how you can feel so comfortable with another human being, grow to love everything about them, share countless experiences with one another…and in the end, they’re still not the person you end up with.
It is rather scary how big this world is and how you can fall in and out love with any given person in any given moment. Do we all have a soulmate out there, wandering in this world? Or is it up to us when to decide the search is over and the person we have found is enough for forever?
I do not know. I guess we never really do.